In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village
by chaletian
Summary: There are times when life on the Enterprise is a million miles away from McCoy's country practice. There are other times when it's exactly the same. Snapshots of everyday life on Enterprise. 17: Space is full of variables; the paperwork is a constant.
1. It Takes A Village

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**I - It Takes A Village**

**by Liss Webster**

[a]

After they set off on their mission, Starfleet rules dictate that every crew member take a physical. Some are reluctant. Some are indifferent. Some seem to enjoy themselves. Ensign O'Malley spends half an hour telling him her family medical history, complete with holos. Her parents are still married, and have three dogs and a cat. She has an older brother, but he didn't get into Starfleet and instead works for a company that manufactures the parts for warp drives.

McCoy primes one of the nurses to interrupt him in the future with an unavoidable emergency at the thirty minute mark.

[b]

The Chief Engineer, Scott, appears two days in. He's got a rash in a place no man wants a rash. He's incoherently indignant, but McCoy gathers somehow that Admiral Archer is to blame. He's pretty damn sure he doesn't want to know about it.

[c]

In the first month, he gets dozens of inconsequential visits. He understands. No-one wants to meet their doctor for the first time when their leg's just been filled with shrapnel or when a coolant pipe exploded in their face. None of them bring him baked goods, though, and that's a shame.

[d]

The first casualty (barring Scott's privates), is the captain himself, who comes wandering in with a bleeding arm. McCoy pushes him onto a bed, and pulls back the sleeve. It's deep, but clean.

"What did you do yourself this time?" he asks. "Pick a fight with Sulu and his amazing sword?" It was a joke, but Jim looks guilty, and McCoy rolls his eyes. "Oh, you couldn't help yourself, could you?"

"I thought it would be a useful skill," protests Jim, wincing as McCoy disinfects the wound. "Have you seen him? It's cool."

"As if there aren't enough things in _space_ that can kill a man, you've got to start messing around with _swords_," complains McCoy.

Jim pulls a face. "Killjoy."

"Live with it, _Captain_. You got any idea of the paperwork Starfleet'll make me fill out if you die on this godforsaken tin can? I'm keeping you alive till you're _eighty_."

"Fine, mom," says Jim, and McCoy scowls.

"No more swords."

There's always more swords.

[e]

Medical Bay is and always has been a clearing room for gossip. McCoy gets it all. Which is sometimes interesting (apparently that kid Chekov's set up a still in collusion with Scotty; McCoy joins that action pretty damn quickly), sometimes weird (that Bolian ensign in Stellar Cartography tells stories that would make your toes curl) and sometimes downright disturbing (McCoy is still pretending that Uhura never came to see him and that he knows absolutely nothing about her love life).

[f]

"I hear Oyewale in Engineering's been chasing after Robbins," says Nurse Chappell.

"He the kid in Communications?" asks McCoy, double-checking his inventory.

"No, that's Robinson. Robbins is one of the Science officers. You know – red hair?"

"Oh, him. Well, that'll be nice."

"Pot's going that one of them'll be in here within a month for a booster," offers Chappell.

McCoy's eyebrow shoots up. "Are you asking me if I want to bet on my patients, Nurse?"

"Not at all, Doctor," says Chappell blandly.

"Good. 'Cause I wouldn't do that. As a private gentleman, however, I say 5 credits on Oyewale inside three weeks."

[g]

The Captain discovers the still.

"Jesus, Bones, they're running a still!"

"That's outrageous, Jim."

"Did you know about this?"

"Absolutely not. I'm a doctor, not a moonshiner."

"Can you get me some?"

"Sure."

[h]

Three separate people come to tell him that Chekov is out of sorts/suicidal/depressed. Sulu thinks he might be homesick. Uhura suggests counselling. Jim gets carried away with the idea of staging an intervention.

Chekov, it turns out, is pining for a girl in the AstroLab.

McCoy tells Jim he has to give The Talk.

"What? No! Why?"

McCoy's expression is wise and, he is aware, deeply annoying. "Jim, my friend, it takes a village to raise a child."

[i]

Turns out, despite the vast emptiness of space, and the worryingly illusory protection offered even by Starfleet's finest vessel, and the sheer likelihood of being taken out by an unexpected cosmic event (sure, those nebulae look pretty now but up-close they're just a disaster waiting to happen) and/or Klingon attack (McCoy's sure it's going to happen any day now) and/or new and fatal alien disease (probably sexually transmitted; probably Kirk's fault), life on the Enterprise isn't as far off a village as you might expect.

THE END


	2. Birds Do It, Bees Do It

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**II – Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Post-pubescent Russians Do It**

**by Liss Webster**

"It'll be a piece of cake," Jim tells Bones confidently. Chekov's nearly eighteen, after all, and he's spent the last few years at Starfleet Academy. Jim knows Starfleet Academy. There's no way that kid doesn't know the facts of life. He's pretty sure this is Bones's idea of a prank. But whatever, the Academy didn't exactly cover 'giving your navigator the talk'; Jim assumes it falls under the concept of 'pastoral care', which always seemed to him the least interesting part of being a Starfleet captain.

Three months in, it strikes him the pastoral care thing is going to be a more dominant feature than he ever expected.

**Attempt #1**

"Chekov! Hey, Chekov!" The kid waits for Jim to catch up, an enquiring look on his face.

"Yes, Keptin?"

Jim grins at him, and claps him on the shoulder. "Quick question, whizz. You know all about the birds and the bees, right?"

Chekov nods, all bright attentiveness. "Yes, sir. We studied them at the Academy."

"That's great." Jim claps him on the shoulder again. Piece of cake. Chekov smiles cheerfully.

"I always liked the parrots." He heads off. Jim watches him, his grin fixed in place.

**Attempt #2**

It's all fine, Jim assures Bones. He tosses around words like "idiomatic difficulties" and makes a quick escape before Bones can aim his eyebrows properly. He tracks down Chekov in the mess hall, where he's poring over a padd. Jim grabs a meal from the replicator, and slides his tray onto the table next to him.

"Hey," he says.

"Hello, Keptin," says Chekov, looking a bit confused. He glances around. "Did you want something?"

"No," says Jim airily, poking at a bit of green jello with his fork and wondering what category of space cuisine it falls into. "I just thought we could chat."

"Chat?"

"Talk. Shoot the breeze." Jim waves his fork eloquently. He notices Spock sitting with Uhura and Sulu. Are they watching him? Nah. He's paranoid.

Chekov's nodding, and putting his padd to one side. "Werry well," he says, folding his arms, and looking serious. "What would you like to talk about, Keptin?"

"Right," says Jim. He smiles, leans back. This is fine. He's been doing girl-talking-stuff since he was a kid. He can do this. "So, just to put this out there: you know how babies are made, right?"

Chekov's just staring at him. "How… babies… are made?" he says, his tone distinctly dubious. He mimes rocking a baby. "Babies – yes?"

Jim points and grins. "Exactly. You know how that works. What am I talking about? Of course you do."

"Of course," says Chekov. "I am not child, Keptin. Babies are brought by bears; everyone knows this." Something beeps, and he jumps up. "My apologies, sir, I will be late for my shift."

He leaves. Jim pokes at his jello again.

"You are not enjoying your lunch, Captain?" asks Spock. He's standing over the table, Uhura and Sulu hanging back.

"It's great," lies Jim, and assures himself that there is no hint of mockery in Spock's dark eyes. He definitely remembers reading somewhere that space made you paranoid. He thinks maybe he should mention it to Bones.

He won't mention the part about bears bringing babies, though.

**Attempt #3**

Bones says he's not paranoid and tells him not to be such a whining baby, but Jim's about 92% sure that people are watching him, which is admittedly a fairly usual state of affairs for him, so he thinks maybe he just has some kind of latent captainly guilt over Chekov and the bear thing – he'd think Chekov was playing him, but Christ, just look at the kid – and he just needs to sort it out.

He goes for a different tack. They're on the bridge – Sulu is down in Engineering having some sort of spontaneous warp engine symposium with Scotty (Jim makes a mental note to do something about the number of subspace messages going between Engineering and Admiral Archer's office because, seriously, they both need to get over the beagle thing, and, oh yes, how exactly did this become his problem?), and Spock and Uhura are having an intense conversation about Vulcan vowels, or what-the-fuck-ever (look, it's not like he's not curious about what goes on between those two, but it's private, and he can deal with that, he's a mature adult, and he's sure Bones knows something he's not telling, cuz he gets pretty twitchy whenever the subject comes up, but that's a casual interrogation for another day), so it's just him and Chekov.

"Sulu says you have a thing for that brunette in the AstroLab," he says to Chekov, and the Navigator spins round, eyes wide in betrayal.

"Sir!" he says, looking around furtively like it's some kind of secret and not something everyone on the damn ship knows about.

Jim waves a hand. "Hey, relax. Everyone knows about it. So, look, you know how to talk to girls, right?"

Chekov shrugs. "Actually, I do not know so many girls."

"But at the Academy…" Jim breaks off. Chekov is shaking his head. "Sisters? Cousins? Aunts?" Chekov's still looking sad and shaking his head. Jim's getting desperate. "What about your mom?"

Chekov hangs his head. "I was raised by monks in Siberian orphanage," he says.

Jim stares at him, then concedes momentary defeat. "OK. What's our course looking like?"

**Attempt #4**

"He was raised by monks! In an orphanage!"

"You don't say. Hold still." There's a whoosh of a hypospray.

"Ow! I told you stop doing that!"

"Oh, stop your whining."

"In an orphanage, Bones! Oh, and did you know that one of our transporter officers is having a crisis of confidence of his ability to do the job? I practically had to talk him down jumping off a warp nacelle. Then I had to go and talk to his superior – who is, I now know, a total asshole – about reassigning him."

Bones potters with his equipment. "Well, sounds like you had the right idea," he says.

Jim rubs his neck where Bones injected him, and looks woebegone. "I didn't realise it would be this hard," he admits quietly. "I mean, exploring and fighting and adventuring – I got that. But this?" He shakes his head. "I'm not cut out for this, Bones. I- I'm flying blind. I mean, Jesus, how am I supposed to advise anyone about anything?" He flops back on the Med Bay bed, and covers his face with his arm.

Bones swats at his legs. "You finished, princess?" The only response is a mumble. "Snap out of it, Jim! You wanted this captaincy, and you've got it. You're a big fish in a tiny pond on Enterprise, and people are gonna look to you. You just have to try to steer 'em right." His voice softens slightly. "You're doing a good job, Jim, and you know if ever you need to talk about anything that…"

Jim sits up abruptly, eyes sharp. "Really? Cuz Spock came up to me earlier and asked a question about human female hormonal cycles and I was thinking it would probably be more your sort of…"

Bones is already backing away. "Oh, I don't think a mere medic should interfere in the delicate relationship between the captain and first officer," he lies.

"Bastard," says Jim.

"Mnh," says Bones, flapping a hand. "Get out of here, Captain."

Jim removes himself from Med Bay, and goes on the hunt for Chekov once again, finding him on his way to his quarters.

"You weren't raised in a Siberian orphanage by monks," he says, and Chekov grins.

"No, Keptin."

"Sisters?"

"One."

"Girlfriends?"

"Three."

"I'm talking to Spock. You're on night shifts for a month."

"Yes, Keptin," says Chekov, his head lowered. But he doesn't sound particularly abashed, and Jim returns to his quarters to compose a poisonous message to Bones - because like he believes for a minute that the doctor didn't have anything to do with the Siberian orphanage - about the inadvisability of trying to prank the man who holds dominion over every man and woman's creature comforts.

oOo

A week later, Chekov slumps into the mess hall, looking morose. "Miya does not wish to be my girlfriend," he says sadly. Jim smiles commiseratingly.

"Sit down, kid," he says. "Lemme tell you about the time Susie Hathaway dumped me for Eddie Jones."

After a few guy-stories and a couple glasses of moonshine, Chekov is looking, if not perkier, then certainly less morose, and Jim thinks he might be getting the hang of this captain thing after all.

THE END


	3. Faites Vos Jeux

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**III – Faites Vos Jeux: Rien Ne Va Plus**

**by Liss Webster**

It's not like anyone on Enterprise has a gambling problem – except maybe Scotty and his incomprehensible belief in his own talents at poker – but there's always someone willing to take a bet, whether it be on the likely inhabitants of the next planet, or on the odds of Admiral Archer's prize beagle ever reappearing (60-1 and growing).

_**Kirk finally succeeding with Uhura: 3-1**_

"Uhura, when're you going to see the light of day and make me a happy man?" asks Kirk with a grin.

Uhura raises an eyebrow. "Is that what you'd like me to ask the Andorian captain?" she says sweetly.

Kirk clutches his heart and winces. Sulu and Chekov exchange amused glances. The Andorian captain on the viewscreen just looks confused.

Later, a crewman who had been on the bridge takes those odds, and Sulu relieves him of his credits. Chekov shakes his head as the crewman leaves the messhall.

"They always take the bet," he says, while Sulu updates his padd.

"Oh, they just don't know the Captain yet."

"Or Uhura," replies Chekov.

"Or Spock," finishes Sulu. "Don't worry; they'll learn."

Chekov pulls a face. "Da, but it will hurt our profit margin."

They both sigh a little.

_**McCoy actually throwing Crewman Winters out of Med Bay: 2-1**_

"I HAVE MENDARIAN FLU!"

"For God's sake, man, you don't have anything a lobotomy wouldn't fix!"

"I insist you treat me _right now_, Doctor!"

"Oh, I'll treat you, all right! With a case of BOLIAN TERMITE POX!"

It's not long before there are no takers on anything relating to the length of McCoy's patience.

_**Commander Spock showing emotion in the next week: 7-1**_

Although practically every one on Enterprise is endlessly fascinated with Spock (chiefly, in Sulu's opinion, because of the unusually high possibility that he will go postal on them, compared to most Vulcans), it is a group of crewmen in Maintenance who bet the most and, increasingly, as the voyage goes on, win the most.

"They've got a system," says Sulu, inspecting his books.

"I agree," says Chekov. He glares across the mess, at where Crewman Cho is celebrating his ill-gotten gains. "Wery suspicious."

"We need to find a better way of predicting Spock ourselves," says Sulu, determinedly. "Pavel – find out what makes him tick." He leaves. Chekov stares after him.

"Oh, fine. 'Pavel, find out what makes him tick.' No problem, there. I can do that."

He starts surreptitiously following Spock, until Spock reveals that, in fact, he hasn't been in the least surreptitious, and Chekov is left stammering in a corridor frantically trying to come up with a reason for following him around.

He's not convinced he's really managed it.

_**Chekov being madly in love with Spock: 4-1**_

Sulu finds this hilarious. So too does Kirk, who pats him on the back and tells a heartrending tale of his own unrequited love for a girl called Missy Taylor. Uhura looks at him pityingly, Scotty offers him a glass of his best Scotch, and McCoy tells him it's his own fault for being a young idiot.

The bet stays on the books for many years, and wherever he goes, someone always seems to have heard about it.

It's almost enough to put a man off gambling. But not quite.

_**Ensigns Henderson and Chitnavis finally declaring their undying love: 5-1**_

There's a three-week stretch of black nothing between two star systems (fine; there's a few asteroids that Spock tries to get people enthused about, but no-one goes for it), and everyone becomes obsessed with the unfolding drama that is the relationship between Henderson (Engineering) and Chitnavis (Stellar Cartography). They're seen holding hands on the observation deck, but then Nurse Chapel reports seeing Henderson flirting with Scotty. This in turns proves to have been her trying to make Chitnavis jealous. They have a giant row in the Medical Bay (at which point McCoy, who says he hasn't seen anything like it since the last time he shared a room with his ex, puts his credits down on 'No, never, not a damn chance'), but then are caught making out on the security vids by Lt Lewis (who swears he doesn't use the vids to spy on people; a claim no-one believes). The affair culminates in Henderson's cabinmates being kicked out of their quarters for three hours.

McCoy hands over his credits and bitches that it won't last.

Sulu asks him if he's prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

_**Admiral Archer's prize beagle reappearing: 60-1**_

One afternoon, Scotty dashes onto the bridge, and chucks a padd at Sulu.

"Ha! Take a look at _that_, laddie!"

It's a vid. Admiral Archer, as white-haired and decrepit as ever, scowls at the camera. "Well, Aramis finally appeared, you damn Scottish lunatic." He looks crafty. "But I've still got my eye on you, Scott." The dog whimpers, and Archer bends down to pet it. The vid ends.

Scotty looks triumphant. "Didn't think it would happen, did you? Aye, well, Montgomery Scott doesnae lie. I knew it would turn up. Eventually. So, hand over the money!"

"Mr Scott," says Kirk, leaning forward on one arm of his chair, "we are actually in the middle of something at the moment."

Enterprise rocks, and Chekov yells something about the aft shields. Scotty looks sheepish.

"Oh, aye," he says, and scratches his head. "I'll just be down in Engineering, then."

He dashes off again. In between the whines of exchanged weapons and shouted orders, Sulu and Chekov take the time to share a glance – and a wince. Those were awfully long odds to be on the wrong side of.

_**Kirk getting them all killed: 5-1**_

Sulu and Chekov sit in their usual place in the mess, and stare silently at Ensign Carter and his two cronies, who have gone from sniggering to uncomfortable.

"Let's pretend you didn't come to us with this," says Sulu eventually.

"This could be considered insubordination," adds Chekov. "I would think wery carefully about this sort of thing next time, yes?"

They shuffle off. Chekov looks concerned. "You think we should tell someone?"

Sulu shrugs. "Not officially. Still, couldn't hurt to mention something." He watches them leave. "Anyway, Kirk'll win them over."

Chekov considers this, then nods. "He is wery persuasive," he says.

Sulu flashes a grin, and waves his padd. "Odds?"

THE END


	4. This Story Is Not Humorous

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**IV – This Story Is Not Humorous**

**by Liss Webster**

The Enterprise crew, perhaps surprisingly, given its origins, is excellent. Not without flaws, of course – perfection for Humans and, indeed, Vulcans, is a norm to which one must strive, rather than a practical state of existence – but generally excellent. Well-trained, competent, and intelligent. Spock does not regret his choice to serve under Kirk.

Usually.

Spock has, of course, lived among Humans for a considerable length of time. Moreover, his mother was Human. He thus has always considered – perhaps erroneously – that he understood them reasonably well. But life on a starship seems a more concentrated form of Human life, and there is often behaviour he finds… puzzling.

oOo

"And the sodium molecule says, 'guess I've been feeling a little _negative_ lately'!" The group of Science officers bursts out laughing. Spock raises an eyebrow.

"I do not find that humorous," he says.

For some reason, this results in further laughter.

oOo

"So," says Sulu, propping himself up against the wall as Lt Jansen makes a repair to a faulty conduit on Deck 4, "how about you and I get some dinner together this evening?"

Spock passes them, and makes a mental note to reprimand Sulu for engaging in personal business whilst on duty. His opportunity comes later in the day, when he visits the mess in order to acquire a meal. Sulu is sitting at his usual table, displaying a black eye. He is accompanied by Ensign Chekov and Lt Uhura, the former laughing intemperately.

"Laugh it up, whizz kid," says Sulu, clearly in no mood for such humour. "We'll see how you like it next time." Chekov continues to laugh, apparently unaffected by the implied threat. Uhura raises her eyebrow.

"I don't know why you believed him. Everyone knows Jansen's not into guys." Sulu looks like he wishes to speak, and Uhura silences him with a look. "Hikaru, don't be the guy who says he can change that," she says, her tone reproving.

Later, he asks her what happened. She shrugs. "Chekov told him Lindsay Jansen had a thing for him, and he should go for it." She shakes her head. "Honestly, sometimes I think they're about twelve."

Spock cocks his head. "I understood Lt Jansen to be homosexual. Is this incorrect?"

Uhura rolls her eyes. "No, it was a joke. Seriously: twelve."

Spock lets it lie, but considers the fact that crewmembers' sexual orientation has no bearing on their duties on Enterprise. He wonders when he began to note such things.

oOo

The Captain is bent double with mirth. "And then," he says, gasping for breath, "and then, she says to Bones, 'well, then, you'd better tell the Admiral that, cuz he's standing right there!'" He now appears to be in respiratory distress, however Dr McCoy seems unconcerned.

"Oh, that's hilarious, Jim." His tone belies the statement, however, and Spock deduces that he does not find this story humorous.

Captain Kirk – Jim – beats the table with his hand. "Hilarious!" he gasps.

Dr McCoy quirks an eyebrow, a facial habit he adopts frequently. "Yep, you really set me up for that one. Hey, how 'bout that time in the Zephram building when you…"

The Captain sobers up with an impressive alacrity. "Oh, we don't have to go there," he says.

"Yeah, that's right, Jimmy-boy," says McCoy, "you can dish it out, but you can't take it!"

Spock has noticed that many of the dinners the three of them take together, as the most senior officers on Enterprise, seem to end this way. He is unsure how either Kirk or McCoy managed to graduate Starfleet Academy, when they seemed to spend much of their time playing pranks on each other.

"What about you, Spock?" says Jim one evening. "You got any good stories to tell from the Academy?"

"No," says Spock.

oOo

"A goat! He thought I wanted to make out with a _goat_? How in hell did he…" Jim's eyes narrow, and he glares at Uhura. "Oh, I see. Very funny, Lt."

Uhura smiles sweetly. "Well, I know you've always been fond of farm animals, Captain. I may have made a translation error when telling Temar just how _much_."

"I see I've underestimated you, Uhura."

"It wouldn't be the first time, sir."

Spock and Uhura are alone on the observation deck later that evening.

"The distinction between 'like' and 'love' in Tellarite is very distinct," notes Spock.

"Yes," agrees Uhura.

"Your actions were not professional."

Uhura gives him a look that in another woman might be considered a pout. "Come on. Someone has to give the captain a taste of his own medicine."

Spock finds he cannot disagree with this statement.

oOo

Jim is flicking through the daily reports, and looks up when Spock enters the ready room.

"Hey, Spock. Did you know Ensign Mbeki has requested reassignment to Earth?"

"I did not."

Jim looks troubled. "D'you think it's something wrong on Enterprise?" he asks.

Spock raises an eyebrow. "I do not believe so. Her mother is very ill; it is likely she wishes to be closer to home."

"Right. Good." He frowns. "Well, not good. I think I'll go and talk to her." He's halfway out of the door, when he pauses. "Hey, Spock?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Jim, Spock. How'd you know about her mom, anyway?"

Spock looks chagrined, insofar as is possible. "I- I am not sure."

Jim grins. "Spock, you sly dog, have you been gossiping?"

"I would not term it thus," replied Spock.

They both know it's not a denial; Jim is gracious enough not to labour the point (then).

oOo

Ensign Mbeki is replaced by Ensign Dawson, who joins Spock, Dr McCoy and two Engineering crewmen on an away mission.

"It's just not natural, having your molecules shot about the place," complains McCoy.

"We are all aware of your prejudices, Doctor," says Spock.

"It's perfectly safe," says Dawson, reassuringly.

Crewman Fernandez snickers. "Yeah, right," he says. "Try telling that to Admiral Archer's _dog_!" Crewman Ivanov and Dr McCoy join in the laughter. Ensign Dawson looks confused.

"Chief Engineer Scott attempted to beam Admiral Archer's dog further than was advisable," explains Spock. "It has not yet reappeared. The crew derives considerable humour from the incident."

"I see," says Dawson. She sighs. "This is worst part of joining a new ship, y'know? Figuring out all the in-jokes."

Spock reflects, as he mounts the transporter pad, that he is aware of many of the 'in-jokes' on Enterprise. It is a novel experience. He is not sure how he feels about it.

oOo

"What do you think, Spock?" asks Jim, leaning forward in his chair, a frown on his face.

"I fear the worst," says Spock, looking up from his scanner. "The asteroid belt appears to be heavily populated with dangerous spores. I suspect they could cause serious illness amongst the crew. Unfortunately, we have already entered the belt. It is too late to turn back now."

Jim pales. "Shields to maximum!" he barks out.

Spock exhales audibly. "I fear that will do little good," he says. "The only thing we can do is prepare for the worst. Doctor, I would advise you to prepare Medical Bay."

"I knew it," says McCoy, eyes wide. "Attacked in space by some damn putrid asteroid-dwelling _spore_! I knew this would happen! Should've stayed on Earth!" He looks around suspiciously, as if the spores in question might have already invaded the bridge. Spock does not smile.

"One minute, Captain," he says, consulting the scanner again. He looks up. "I may have made an error."

"An error, Mr Spock?" asks Kirk mildly.

"I believe my earlier judgement was incorrect," says Spock. He looks penitent. "The asteroid belt appears to be devoid of any kind of spore."

"Devoid of any…" Dr McCoy's face approaches puce, and Spock watches, fascinated. "Why, you green-blooded…!"

"A joke, Mr Spock," asks Kirk with a grin.

Spock inclines his head. "An honest mistake," he says.

No-one is fooled, and Spock gracefully accepts the additional medical that McCoy insists is in the regulations.

oOo

Spock is not remotely gratified to find, on his next visit to the mess, Sulu and Chekov sitting at their usual table frantically trying to work out the odds of _Spock playing another practical joke_. Neither does he laugh at any future reference to Admiral Archer's unfortunate dog. Nor does he develop any humorous stories of his experiences at the Academy. But he does feel like he understands the inhabitants of Enterprise a little better.

THE END


	5. You Can Choose Your Friends

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**V – You Can Choose Your Friends**

**by Liss Webster**

It would be totally awesome to say that Enterprise was like one big, happy family, but it would be a giant lie, and not just because Transporter Chief Litton is a royal douche whom Kirk would like to space except – get this – apparently, even though he _rules the ship_, he's not allowed. Yeah. He's not sure he believes it either.

("Are you sure?" he whines.

"Yes," says Spock, the giant hypocrite.)

The fact is, despite most people getting along most of the time, there are also what can only be described as disagreements on Enterprise. Actually, 'disagreements' is a little too mild. 'Bitter, violent death-feuds' would probably be more accurate.

**(i) Uhura v. Hawkins**

Chekov comes rushing out of the mess just as Jim and Spock are heading that way.

"Sorry, Keptin," pants Chekov.

"Hey, kid," says Jim, as ever blithely overlooking the fact that a) he's only a few years older and b) some (fine, all, whatever) of the admirals keep calling him 'kid' and he hates it. "What's up?"

Chekov glances awkwardly at Spock. "It is Lt Uhura," he says reluctantly. "She is having… discussion with Lt Hawkins."

Jim frowns. "Hawkins – isn't he one of the comms guys?"

"He is," concurs Spock. "He was the Bridge officer under Captain Pike."

"Right," says Jim. "I see." And he does. The news nets might have latched onto the youngest crew ever™, but there were plenty of people who weren't so keen, including some of the mid-grade officers already assigned to Enterprise. But Jim wasn't prepared to compromise on having the best crew, whatever their age, and that was that.

They enter the mess, and it is immediately apparent that 'discussion' was putting it mildly. Uhura and Hawkins seem to be having some kind of stand-up Klingon duel, which continues until Hawkins yells something, Uhura sneers, and everyone becomes aware that the Captain and First Officer have somehow appeared.

"Someone want to tell me what's going on here?" Jim asks. Everyone just stares at him for a moment.

"It's nothing, Captain," says Uhura. "Lt Hawkins just said I looked like a tribble wearing a shiny star." Hawkins looks chagrined. Everyone else tries not to laugh. Uhura sweeps out with a derisive glare at her unfortunate colleague.

Jim and Spock stand silently for a moment. Then Jim glances across. "Remind me not to get on her bad side," he says.

Spock's face is impassive. "That would be… wise, Captain," he says. "Lt Uhura can be extremely vocal when roused."

Manfully, Jim doesn't snicker. He's a captain, not a schoolboy.

(He grins a little.)

**(ii) McCoy v. Winters**

"I HAVE SMALLPOX!"

"SMALLPOX DOESN'T EVEN _EXIST_ ANY MORE!"

"I'M GONNA HAVE YOU BROUGHT UP ON MALPRACTICE CHARGES!"

"YOU JUST TRY IT, YOU CRAZY BRITISH HYPOCHONDRIAC!"

(McCoy never treats him; Winters never gives up.)

**(iii) Scott v. Hamley**

Hamley glares poisonously at the back of Scotty's head. "I just think Jonathan Archer's contribution to Starfleet and its program is immeasurable."

"Ha!" snorts Scotty. "The man's a lunatic. And a vindictive one at that."

"You just don't understand him."

"Aye, and I'm quite happy about it. Now hand me that wrench."

("You suck," says Hamley, but only when Scotty's already gone.)

**(iv) Kirk v. McKinley**

Theirs is a silent battle of loathing. Simple. Straightforward. Kirk hates McKinley because he was a bully at the Academy. McKinley hates Kirk because Kirk never let him get away with it, not since that first time at the bar in Iowa. He hates Kirk even more now that he's the captain.

(Jim thinks it's hilarious.)

(v) Chekov v. Rodriguez

"Wassup, dude!" says Rodriguez, swiping Chekov on the shoulder as he passes him in the mess. Chekov glares after him.

"I hate him," he says, eyes narrowed.

"No kidding," says Sulu, not looking up from his padd.

"I hope he dies," Chekov continues, happily imagining a fiery, violent death.

"Maybe he'll go in a freakish warp explosion," offers Sulu, still not bothering to look up.

Chekov considers this, then nods. "Would be good. A tragic wictim."

"And then Miya will go out with you and everyone will live happily ever after, right?"

Chekov pouts. "Is not about that."

(It totally is about that.)

**(vi) Spock v. McCoy**

McCoy is already red in the face. "Do you not have an ounce of feeling in your entire green-blooded body?!"

Spock raises an eyebrow. "I am surprised you are not aware of the basic tenets of Vulcan society," he says. "Perhaps a course in comparative xenosociology might be of benefit?"

"Oh, I'll give you a course in comparative xenosociology, you pointy-eared calculator!"

Spock merely cocks his head slightly. "Your input into my continuing education is, of course, always welcome, Doctor. I should, however, point out that my grades in that area were above reproach and it might perhaps be redundant for me to continue."

"Well, let me tell you this, _Spock_, you've got a damn lot more to learn about humans than you ever…"

"Guys! Get a room!" Jim massages his forehead. McCoy scowls. Spock looks as confused as it is possible for him to do.

"We already have this room, Jim."

(And Jim leaves them to it.)

oOo

Jim sighs sadly into his drink. "I want us to be all one big, happy family," he slurs.

Scott stares at him. "Captain, have ye _met_ any big, happy families?" he asks. "My uncle Malcolm is a bastard, cousin Trevor – on my father's side – is a raging kleptomaniac, and my mother, God bless her soul, needs three bottles of Scotch just to get through Christmas."

"Huh," says Kirk.

"In fact, laddie, I reckon we're as close as we're gonnae get."

"Woo," says Jim, pumps his fist, and falls out of his chair.

Scotty sighs. "Just like my poor second cousin Roger." He shakes his head. "A sad day that was."

A hand appears above the table. "I'm fine," says Jim.

"Eh," says Scotty, and pours another drink.

THE END


	6. Telenovela

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**VI – Telenovela**

**by Liss Webster**

It's not that Chekov is a drama queen. It's just that he expects drama around him. His mother teaches Russian literature, his sisters have been obsessed with generation after generation of teen dramas, and the Chekov household has always best been described as 'turbulent'. Thus it is that he expects life on Enterprise to be perhaps more dramatic than it really is.

Which, given how crazy Enterprise can get, is saying something.

oOo

Chekov passes Rodriguez and Miya in the corridor outside the observation deck.

"Hey, Pavel," says Miya.

"Yo," says Rodriguez.

_Chekov sneers, and Miya's face falls, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. She reaches out a hand. "Pavel… please!"_

Rodriguez's face contorts with jealousy, and he grabs her arm. "Come on," he says, glaring at Chekov. Miya resists, and he pulls harder, until Chekov punches him on the jaw, and he staggers into the wall.

"Leave her alone!" Chekov says, his eyes dark and brooding. "You're not good enough for her!" Rodriguez runs off, the coward that he is, and Miya catches Chekov's hand in her own.

"Pavel… your hand…"

Chekov shrugs. "Is nothing," he says nonchalantly. "He is a jerk. He had it coming."

"You're my hero," breathes Miya, coming closer. "Oh, Pavel, I'm so sorry for turning you down before! It's just… I was so afraid. Afraid of letting you in. Afraid of being hurt. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Da," says Chekov, and he pulls her close and kisses her, and she melts against him.

"Hello," says Chekov stiffly, and they pass with no further conversation.

oOo

"Your theories are a load of horse manure!" Archer's voice is staticky over the communal station in the mess, but it's clear that Scotty has no intention of moving.

"Didn't the Admiral's dog reappear?" asks Uhura.

"Yeah," says Sulu. "I think he and Scotty just got used to yelling at each other."

"Aye, well, if you weren't _fifty years_ out of date, Admiral…"

_Admiral Archer sighs, his lined face looking careworn. "I'm getting old, I know," he says. "And Scott, I know we fight, but I want you to know how much our relationship has meant to me. I-I'm afraid I don't have much time left now."_

Scott's face softens. "It's meant the world to me too, Admiral."

"Scott – Montgomery… I don't know how to tell you this." Archer hesitated. "I… am your… father - 

Nyet. That is not right.

_- I… am your… grandfather."_

"That cannae be possible!"

"I'm afraid so. Did your parents never tell you you were adopted?"

"Chekov! Hey, kid!" Sulu is snapping his fingers as Chekov stares at him, the sound of Scotty's conversation still coming over loud and strong.

"…and if you set foot in San Francisco, I'll have you up on charges, you damn scoundrel!"

_"This is the happiest day of ma life," weeps Scotty._

"Mine too, son," says Archer, reaching out trembling fingers to touch his screen.

oOo

Kirk, Chekov, Uhura and Dawson emerge mostly unscathed from a more-hazardous-than-usual away mission. In the transporter room, Spock is waiting for them.

"I am pleased to see the indigenous people forebore from their usual practice regarding unwelcome visitors, Captain," he says. Kirk grins, and shrugs, and Spock turns to Uhura.

"Lieutenant."

"Commander."

_"Lieutenant… you know how reluctant I am to discuss these matters, but the __fear for your likely fate__ dread in my heart on hearing your distress call has made all such concerns seem foolish."_

"Commander… Spock… I don't understand!"

"It is simple, Uhura," says Spock, eyes filled with emotion, hands outstretched, a tentative smile on his lips as the woman he loves stretches her hands out likewise, "I can no longer deny my feelings for you. I love you, Uhura. Love you with the passion of a burning supernova. Curse my Vulcan nature for hiding it from you for so long! When I think of the hurt and uncertainty I've caused you…" He turns away, one hand pressed to his forehead, and Uhura surges forward.

"Spock… darling! Don't talk like that! I've understood. I've always understood!"

Spock turns back to her, hope a fragile flicker in his heart. "Do you… do you think we can start again? Make our love work?"

Uhura makes no answer, simply presses herself against him, showering kisses, which Spock returns amorously -

Amorously? Lovingly? Fervently? Hmm. Is difficult to know.

_- and the two of them stay entwined together until the room is empty and night has grown around them, while they whisper sweet nothings to each other._

"I believe Lt Hawkins was seeking your assistance with a translation."

"Aye, Commander."

oOo

"I can't believe you bet twenty credits on Kirk losing to Scotty," says Sulu, his face of a picture of disgust. "Were you high?"

"Whatever," says McKinley, scowling. Sulu shrugs.

"Hey, man, they're your credits. Well, they were." He grins. "And now they're ours." He holds out his hand. "Ante up, McKinley."

McKinley looks shifty. "Right. About that…"

Sulu is instantly suspicious. "Hey, no welching! If you've got a problem…"

_McKinley suddenly makes a choking sound, and drops his head into his hand. "I just… I can't talk to anyone about it, y'know! I mean, if I hadn't had such a tragic childhood… See, my dad never loved me, and then I found out he wasn't even really my father, but my uncle because my mother had slept with both of them and, I don't know, man, it ruined my life, and I turned to gambling to try to escape the pain, each victory a golden haze that covered all the hurt inside, but the victories grew fewer, and the pain grew greater, and I've built a spiral of despair and darkness that I fear will consume me if no-one can help!"_

Sulu, jumps up, lays a compassionate hand on his shoulder. "McKinley, we're here for you," he says softly. "I mean, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I can help."

"No problem," sneers McKinley, and he chucks the credits onto the table.

"What a jerk," says Sulu, watching him leave. "But hey. Twenty credits."

oOo

McCoy and Spock are having one of their usual discussions on the bridge, which traditionally involve McCoy getting angry and Spock – and yes, no one is taking the I-am-Vulcan-hear-me-embrace-logic-and-the-suppression-of-all-emotion thing seriously anymore – baiting him as far as is humanly (Vulcanly?) possible.

"And furthermore," says Spock, _"I believe we have taken our unwarranted aggression too far. Underneath this invective and bluster, I know you to consider me a friend, as I do you."_

McCoy glares for a moment, then his lips quirk. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Space bros?"

He holds out his hand, Spock clasps it, and they lean in to bump shoulders.

"Space bros," agrees Spock.

"Furthermore," says Spock, "I regret to inform you that your basic understanding of Human physiology is flawed at the most fundamental levels."

"Well dammit," says McCoy, "sure am glad to know one of us has a medical degree. Oh, now, wait. That would be me."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Your attempt at humour, Doctor, is surely misplaced."

_"Just remember," says McCoy, "bros over half-Andorian hos."_

"Indeed," says Spock.

oOo

An encounter with a(nother) rogue Romulan leaves the Enterprise a little shaken, and Chekov is privately congratulating himself over some on-the-fly navigational genius, when Kirk comes up to him.

"Hey, kid," he says.

"Hello, Keptin," says Chekov.

_"I just wanted to say thanks – that was some damn good work you put in there. Pretty much saved the ship." Kirk nods approvingly, and punches him lightly on the arm. "You're doing well, Chekov. I knew you would."_

There's a silence, and Chekov realises the captain has stopped whatever he was actually saying.

"Um, yes?" he hazards, and Kirk looks confused.

"Good job. Doing well." He reaches out and ruffles Chekov's hair. "Get some sleep, kid."

_"I am no child, Captain," says Chekov, dignified. "I believe I have proved that today."_

Kirk's gaze falls. "Of course. I apologise, Ensign. I meant no offence."

Chekov inclines his head graciously. "You are forgiven." Kirk looks suitably grateful, and Chekov smiles kindly.

Kirk is already walking away, and Chekov heaves a sigh. Some things are just not meant to be. He yawns, and heads to his quarters, and entirely misses the sight of Rodriguez and Miya having a row in a turbolift.

THE END


	7. The Love Boat

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**VII – The Love Boat**

**by Liss Webster**

"You know what I think's great?" asks Jim, lolling around in McCoy's quarters.

"This week? Swords, Uhura, and that blue jello stuff from the replicators."

"That blue jello _is_ awesome," agrees Jim. "But no. Not any of those."

"In that case, Jim, you're gonna have to tell me."

"Do you _really_ want to know?" says Jim enticingly.

McCoy just raises an eyebrow. "No," he says, but Jim pulls a face.

"I think it's great that Starfleet doesn't have non-fraternisation rules for starships."

**Chekov/Miya**

Miya works in Stellar Cartographer. She's young, cool, and occasionally colours her hair shades of the rainbow. Chekov's (unrequited) love for her is a by-word on Enterprise. Mostly, he still thinks it's a Tragic Secret, and gets drunk and slurs sad Russian songs about betrayal and despair and the fundamental unfairness of the universe.

"She just wants to be friends," he says to Sulu, who is concentrating on being a sympathetic friend and not laughing at Chekov, who is flailing dramatically. "Is like a _dagger_ through my _heart_!"

"Have another drink," advises Sulu.

Chekov peers sadly into his glass. "Nothing can take away my pain," he says.

Sulu slings an arm around his shoulders. "Dude. Sucks to be you."

**Miya/Rodrigues**

"Hey, whatever, it wasn't working out," says Rodrigues. But everyone knows he got dumped.

**Rodrigues/Gaila**

"Hey, Miya," says one of the other women in the AstroLab. "I hear Rodrigues had his tongue down that Orion girl's throat." She's kind of a bitch.

"Like I care," says Miya, hair defiantly purple. "And her name's Gaila."

"Whatever," says Rooks, and huffs off.

**Gaila/Kirk**

Gaila comes up to him not long into the voyage. "Hey, pretty boy," she says. He grins at her, because she's hot and smart and he's _Jim Kirk_.

"Hey, Gaila. How's life on Enterprise treating you?"

She pouts, and runs a finger down his chest. "Well, I'm pretty lonely."

"Aw, that's too bad. You telling me the guys aren't lining up?"

"Yeah, but they're not you."

And it sucks. It totally sucks and he hates his life and he hates Bones for going on and on about the dangers of alien sex and he hates Pike for sending him every piece of information _ever_ published by Starfleet about sexual harassment and he hates the _universe_.

He smiles. "Not this time, sweetheart."

**Kirk/Uhura**

The planet is warm and beautiful and there's a _beach_ and, seriously, life does not get any better.

"Whaddya say, Uhura?" says Kirk. "You want to give up this crazy life and settle down with me in a shack?"

Uhura looks at him, half amused, half pissed off. "Amazingly, Captain, I think I'm going to decline your offer."

"We could go fishing," he wheedles.

"Wow," she says drily. "In that case… no, wait. Still no."

He pouts. "You spoil all my fun."

"And the funny thing is, I'm fine about it."

**Uhura/Hawkins**

"I could so tap that," says Hawkins. No-one believes him.

**Uhura/Spock**

Spock's expression, though restrained, is eloquent enough. "You are sure this is traditional?" he asks, his voice sceptical. Uhura nods determinedly.

"Yes. Come on, Spock. It's not hard."

"We do-did not have such a practice on Vulcan."

"Then it's time you learnt. Now, put your right hand _here_ and your left _there_."

Music plays in Spock's quarters, and they waltz, awkwardly at first, then more confidently, and they're happy.

**Spock/Chekov**

"I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH SPOCK!"

Scott grins. "Aye, I know. But it's fun to watch you squirm."

Chekov glares at him. "I think I will be making friends with Admiral Archer now. Perhaps we will be thinking up plans together." He stomps off, and Scotty scowls after him.

"Suit yourself, lad, but the man's a lunatic! _Stupid beagle_," he adds under his breath.

**Spock/Chapel**

"So," says Christine to one of the other nurses. It's late, and they're sipping moonshine in a corner of the mess. "I sort of have a thing for Spock."

**Chapel/McCoy**

Jim's sitting in Sickbay, shirt off, watching with interest as Bones stitches him up. He had a bit of an encounter with some kind of rock monster, and is pretty banged up, but he's on an awful lot of medication, so mostly it's just fun watching Bones work. And hey, that nurse is pretty.

"Hey," says Jim, "that nurse is pretty."

"You don't say," says Bones laconically, finishing up. Jim sways forward, and grins at him.

"I like pretty nurses," he confides.

"Jim, you'd like a pretty Denobian fruit fly," says Bones, rolling his eyes.

"I like fruit flies," says Jim.

"Uh-huh."

"Bones?" says Jim, clapping his friend heavily on one shoulder and then watching curiously as his hand slides off again.

"Yeah?"

"You should kiss the pretty nurse."

Bones sighs. "Well, now, I'm pretty damn sure I shouldn't do that."

Jim considers this. "OK."

**McCoy/Bridgerton**

"Hey," says the woman. She's wearing casual work out clothing, and has a narrow gash down one arm.

"Don't tell me," says Bones. "You like playing with swords, too."

She grins. "Guilty as charged, Doctor." She eyes him appraisingly. McCoy turns away to get his tricorder.

"Let's see what we have here," he says briskly, and she smiles again, and shrugs just a little.

**Bridgerton/Sulu**

"Hey, has anyone else seen that Bridgerton chick?" asks Sulu, throwing a couple of chips into the middle of the table.

Uhura rolls her eyes. "I can't believe you actually referred to a fellow officer as a 'chick'," she says, and Sulu looks a little guilty.

"Right. Sorry."

"Isn't she one of your sword-wielding brethren?" says McCoy. "I'm in."

"She works for me," says Scotty. "Nice lass. Good with a warp recalibrator. Raise ye five."

"It is not logical for me to remain in the game," says Spock. "I fold." He cocks his head. "I am acquainted with Lt Bridgerton."

"She's hot right?" says Sulu.

"Her features are aesthetically pleasing," says Spock. Uhura kicks him under the table. "However, I, of course, do not pay attention to such trivial details."

"You should go for it," says Kirk, tossing his chips in. He sighs. "I mean, it's not like I can. Ever. Never be a captain, anyone, it totally sucks."

Sulu claps him on the back. "I think it's admirable. Just stay on that wagon."

Kirk's eyes narrow, suddenly suspicious. "Hey, are you making money out of me again, Lieutenant?"

Sulu grins, throws in his chips, and says, "Call."


	8. The Starfleet Annual Budgetary Memo

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**VIII – The Starfleet Annual Budgetary Memo: An Enterprise Tradition**

**by Liss Webster**

It is a truth universally acknowledged that even a Constitution-class starship needs to get its funding from somewhere. Warp drives do not, after all, grow on trees. (Well, not that they've ever found. Scotty has dreams about it, sometimes: they will beam down onto a planet of metal and levers and gears, and warp drives drip from overhanging branches and dilithium crystals dance in formation and sing happy, high-pitched songs about their shining blue glory. But it's just a dream. (And only when there's been cheese.)) And though Earth may be edging closer to social utopia, bureaucracy is still alive and well.

**Year One**

Chekov is eating breakfast in the mess when Captain Kirk slides into the seat opposite him. He looks up, a little warily. He has vague memories of an alcohol-fuelled evening during which he told Sulu at great length about his tragically doomed romance, and such evenings always seem to lead to the captain telling him a new story of high school passion gone awry.

"Keptin," he says in greeting.

"Chekov!" says Kirk. "Quick question, whizz: if we undertook this mission at a speed averaging" – he checks his padd – "warp 2, how long would it take?"

Chekov stares at him. "Our… five year mission?" he clarifies. Kirk winds his finger encouragingly.

"Ballpark?"

Chekov is still staring, but he automatically calculates the answer. "Uh, about eighty years, keptin."

Kirk stares back. He checks his padd. He nods a bit. "So," he says eventually. "The crew all really like Enterprise, right?"

oOo

Scotty pats the warp console lovingly. "Don't you listen to the captain, ma poor darling," he croons. "He doesnae mean it." He frowns suspiciously. "At least, he'd better no."

oOo

McCoy finds Jim in his quarters, surrounded by Starfleet manual print-outs, padds, and even paper with some sort of prehistoric chicken scratchings on them which McCoy deduces is Jim's handwriting.

"So, Jim," he says, sitting on the bed, which happens to the only available surface, "how come half the crew thinks we're gonna be out here for _the rest of the century_? Because I'm gonna be up front with you here and say I AM VERY MUCH NOT PREPARED TO DO THAT."

Jim doesn't even look up. "Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to replicate pecan pie?" he demands, scribbling down more figures.

"I like pie," says McCoy fiercely. "Pie makes this tin can tolerable."

Jim is clearly not listening, otherwise he wouldn't have said what he says next. "I'm thinking of rationing it," he says.

McCoy stands up. "Do that and I declare you unfit for duty," he says. "Don't push me, Jim, because I will crack like an old-fashioned lunatic and paint the walls of this miserable ship in blood!"

Jim looks up. He surveys McCoy, who is now actually, literally bristling with rage. "OK," he says peaceably. "We'll keep the pie."

"Well, now," says McCoy, sitting down and smiling. "That's all right, then. So, where's this penny-pinching coming from?"

Jim sits back, rummages through the paperwork on the floor, and pulls out a padd, passing it to McCoy.

"_Starfleet Annual Budgetary Memo_," reads McCoy. He raises an eyebrow. "You're kidding, right?"

Jim shrugs. "Apparently, it's this big deal. I have to do a review of 'allocated resources'." He frowns. "Y'know, I totally don't remember this coming up at the Academy."

"Sure you do," says McCoy, tossing the padd back. "Starship Administration. Third year. Monday mor--- yeah, you probably don't remember it."

Jim sighs, and looks a little sad. "I really thought there'd be more sword fights in space and less paperwork," he says.

"I wish there were," lies McCoy. "But, hey, since you're looking at resource allocation, we could really do with a few more things for Sickbay…"

**Year Two**

Yeoman Rand stands in the doorway, arms crossed, expression dubious.

"I don't know, sir," she says. "I never heard of anyone taking that memo too seriously."

Kirk nods. "Yeah, so I found out." He scowls a bit. Some of the other captains had ribbed him for a while over that one. How was he to know Starfleet issued the memos by rote, and ships in action were never expected to pay much attention? Unless it had been covered in that class Bones swore he took, in which case, fair enough.

"So, shall I tell everyone to calm down?" Rand asks.

Kirk just grins. "Aw, why spoil their fun?" he says. She shakes her head, and leaves him to his own devices.

oOo

Later, Gaila appears at the door of Jim's quarters.

"Hey, _Captain_," she murmurs, at her most sultry. "I wondered if you had a little time to discuss a small proposal Mr Scott has?"

Jim smiles sunnily at her. "By all means, Lieutenant. Shall we discuss it over dinner in the mess?"

oOo

"Uhura's in Sickbay; McCoy's with her; Scotty's dealing with that tiny issue in the Jefferies tubes – nice work, by the way – and Spock's trying to work out why the transporters aren't working. We've only got a five minute window on that one, so we've got to make this snappy." Sulu's speaking quickly and quietly as he and Chekov half-walk, half-run to the observation deck.

Captain Kirk stands in front of the wide viewscreen, hands clasped behind his back. The room is otherwise empty. Sulu and Chekov approach from behind, and Sulu claps him on the back.

"Captain! What a coincidence!"

"Is wery fortunate," says Chekov, "we were just saying, oy, we need Keptin Kirk."

"You see, Captain, it's about the navigational array…"

**Year Three**

"Memo from Starfleet," says Uhura.

Everyone perks up. It's been an uneventful month, and the annual budget memo always adds spice to Enterprise life. As long as no-one gets carried away, of course. Crewman Winters is still complaining about being "accidentally" locked in waste disposal for three hours so four junior Security officers could ambush the captain over new phase pistols.

oOo

"So, Captain," says Sulu. He and Chekov have cornered Kirk in the lounge. "Hansen on the Reliant was telling us about some mods they've seen done to thrusters."

"They increase manoeuwerability at impulse," adds Chekov. "They make the ship… um…" He looks over to Sulu.

"Zippy," supplies Sulu.

"Zippy?" says Kirk.

"Wery zippy," says Chekov.

Kirk looks from one to the other. They both look very enthusiastic, and enthusiastic crew make good crew. Also, he likes zippy. "Go for it."

**Year Four**

Spock and Bones are playing chess whilst Kirk watches, and bitching away at each other. Uhura watches them fondly, and considers how much Spock's changed since the first day on Enterprise. She wonders if he's even noticed, so gradual has it been.

The conversation is clearly growing more acrimonious, and she raises a quick, querying brow at her companions.

Chekov shrugs. "Is that time again," he says, and Uhura rolls her eyes.

"Don't tell me they think anyone pays attention to the budget memo, least of all the captain?"

Sulu grins, quick and bright. "Ignore budget memo week, that fine Enterprise tradition? I know you don't mean that, Uhura! Scotty's been preparing a proposal for transdimensional beaming for a _month_ now!"

"Is that even possible?" she asks sceptically.

"He just wants to see if Captain Kirk will go for it," says Chekov. "We're offering 5-1," he adds hopefully, but Uhura just laughs.

"No, thank you, gentlemen," she says, and rises gracefully, to stand behind Spock, one hand lightly on his shoulder, as he and Bones argue the merits of enhanced astrophysics sensors versus some of those nifty intradermal bonders, as Jim pretends to listen while he checks out – very, very subtly, she has to admit – one of Engineering officers.

**Year Five**

"Is this a ploy for swords?" asks Kirk.

Sulu considers his options. "Yeah," he admits eventually.

Kirk claps him on the shoulder. "Fair enough, Lieutenant."


	9. Till You See It On The Silver Screen

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**IX – Till You See It On The Silver Screen (In Stellar Cartography)**

**by Liss Webster**

After a couple of years, no-one's quite sure who instigated movie night: the decision was lost in the muddle of inventories and medicals and a shakedown mission that featured the Captain breaking two ribs and three crewmen from Engineering losing their uniforms in an unscrupulous game of strip poker. Somehow, from this, emerged the tradition: once a week, the giant screen in Stellar Cartography, otherwise used for mapping their voyage, is taken over by Lt Robbins' holoprojector, and each crewmember takes a turn at choosing a film.

**Chekov: The Boy From Alpha Centauri**

As the music swells and the eponymous Hayden sweeps Alanna into his arms, Sulu leans over to Chekov.

"So, this kid saves the _known universe_ and then gets the girl, even though she used to babysit for him."

Chekov beams back. "Da," he says cheerfully, stealing the last mouthful of popcorn from Sulu's bowl. "Is good, yes?"

Sulus shakes his head. "Dude. Could you be any less subtle?"

Chekov just looks confused as Sulu heads for the door. "I do not understand. Sulu? Sulu! Come back? What do you mean? Sulu!"

**Uhura: Two Sides of the Sun**

"I loved this film so much growing up," says Uhura. "My mom and I used to watch it all the time."

It's romantic and sweeping and surprisingly explicit, and during a lull in the post-coital dialogue, someone can be heard whispering, "So, you think that's what it's like for her and you-know-who?"

Uhura's lips tighten and she flushes slightly, and Gaila says, "That reminds me _so much_ of this time before I started at the Academy when I met these three guys in a bar…" and she talks loudly about her sexual exploits until everyone's so amused or turned on or freaked out by what she's saying no-one thinks about Uhura and _you-know-who_.

"It was a really nice film," says Gaila, later.

"Thanks," says Uhura.

**Hamley: Enterprise**

"Isnae this bad luck or something?" asks Scotty, glaring at the screen where a muscled Drew Lewis, wearing the remains of a Starfleet-issue singlet, plays Jonathan Archer. "Watching a movie about a ship called Enterprise ?"

"Shhh!" hisses Hamley. He's still not forgiven Scotty for his epic feud with Archer. "This is a classic of modern historical cinema."

"Aye, more like a classic of modern historical revisionism," grumbles Scotty. "I mean, look at the man! Archer never looked that good."

"He is a GOD OF A MAN!" declares Hamley, and Scotty subsides, though doesn't miss the opportunity to add a postscript to his next message to Archer (carefully encrypted inside a subspace communiqué about dilithium crystal decay after a terse lecture from Kirk on the perils of a conducting a cold war with a venerable and decorated Starfleet officer – a lecture that sounded disconcertingly like the voice of experience), informing him that the only person interested in watching his character cavort around yon stage was a half-witted Engineering crewman who couldnae align a plasma coil without written instructions and a flashing sign sent down by God.

**Winters: The Great Plague**

"My God!" says Bones, chucking instruments onto a tray with unusual vigour and only missing braining Kirk by about an inch. "Can't you throw him out an airlock or something?"

Jim just grins. "Come on, Bones, you love him really."

Bones raises an eyebrow. "Sure I do. So much that if he actually _caught_ the plague, I would not only leave him to die, I would paint a cross on his door to make sure no-one else came to his aid, and I would DANCE on his GRAVE at the end."

"So, I take it you're not coming to movie night?"

Bones glares. Jim makes a judicious getaway.

**Sulu: The Three Musketeers**

"Swords," says Sulu in explanation, as he sends out the ship-wide notice of that week's film choice.

Kirk nods approvingly. "Awesome."

**Oyewale: The Beast Man of Betelgeuse**

"It's an awesome film," Oyewale is telling people a month before it's his turn. "An absolute classic. Modern horror at its best." He waxes lyrical on the subject non-stop, until people are wishing for the film just so it'll be over, and Robbins is getting tired of having to shrug apologetically, like it's his fault his boyfriend's so obsessed by the Beast Man. "Honestly," Oyewale says, "it's got everything. Action and comedy and romance and gore. You'll love it."

Three days before movie night, Oyewale is on an away mission and is killed in a cave-in. On movie night, Kirk and Chekov are walking past Stellar Cartography just before three bells and are surprised to see Robbins setting up the holoprojector. He's pale and a little more tightly-wound than usual, but he smiles when he sees them.

"Captain! I wasn't sure you'd come!"

Kirk freezes for a half a second, then smiles, and saunters over and claps him gently on the shoulder. "Hey, you know me: I never miss movie night!" He grimaces eloquently at Chekov, and the Russian looks wildly around him.

"Um, yes… I have… zere is a… vill be back in a minute…" He dashes off, and almost immediately people start drifting in, Chekov skulking back just as Robbins sets the holoprojector going, and The Beast Man of Betelgeuse begins.

After an hour and a half, it ends.

"So," someone says.

"Yeah," says someone else.

"That film was poorly structured and badly acted," says Spock, and a couple of people try to hush him, but he's broken the ice.

"It's a _terrible_ film," says Robbins.

"Terrible, Lt?" says Kirk. "That film would've had to have Mikhail fucking _Olivier_ playing the Beast Man to even _get_ to terrible!"

"I think my eyeballs might actually be bleeding," says Bridgerton blankly. "Are my eyeballs bleeding?"

"I thought this film was a damn modern masterpiece," objects McCoy. "Oyewale distinctly said that."

Uhura laughs. "Yeah, but he also said Andorian chime music was the most lyrical expression of love and peace he'd ever heard."

"I'm pretty sure that's their equivalent of war drums," says Scotty, scratching his head, and everyone laughs.

"Hey," says one of the nurses, "do you remember when he…"

**Spock: TBC**

The atmosphere in the mess has been tense for a good couple of weeks. Every waking moment not taken up in duties finds Sulu and Chekov poring over padds, making ever more complex probabilistic calculations. They've been waiting for this for three years, and they're determined to get it right.

"Look," says Sulu, "Vulcans don't have a big history of cinema, right? They w- they're more about live theatre. So that narrows it down a lot."

"And also," says Chekov, " zere is not much on the ship's memory."

Sulu holds up a finger. "Exactly!" They look comforted by this, then Chekov's face falls.

"But he has spent a lot of time wiz the Captain since we left," he points out, but Sulu is not dissuaded.

"Right – so, we factor in Kirk's tastes. Which are twentieth century classics…"

"…twenty-second century abstract emotionalism…" (They both shudder; Kirk's movie choice, a year or so ago, remains with everyone: a four hour epic, mostly in beige tones, that was somehow supposed to evoke sadness, hunger, loss and regret through the medium of discordant music and courtly dance – the crew is split in thinking Kirk's actually into that sort of thing, and thinking it was a ship-wide punishment for that whole Tribble incident.)

"…and porn." Sulu considers this. "But I doubt Spock'll go there." He looks determined, and points his padd at Chekov. "OK. We need a list of all the films on the ship's database that are Vulcan in origin, or based on Vulcan stories, or are about Vulcan. We also need to cross-reference all the films that match Kirk's tastes. Ideally, we need to find a way of checking what he's watched and… what?"

Chekov looks at him, face tragic. "We forgot Uhura," he says sadly.

Sulu stares at him. He swears, then sets his jaw. "OK, this is gonna be harder than we thought," he says. "But damn it, Chekov, we will work out the odds on Spock's movie choice!"

At the end of Spock's chosen film, Sulu and Chekov are left looking at each other, bemused.

"Did that even come up on any of our lists?" asks Sulu.

"Hairspray?" says Chekov. "Definitely not."


	10. Dulce Et Decorum Est

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**X – Dulce Et Decorum Est**

**by Liss Webster**

The Enterprise has been given a five year mission. They are to explore space. Explore strange new worlds. Meet new civilisations. Go where no human has gone before. And it's amazing, and enlightening, and exciting, and, fine, being cooped up with a few hundred other people that you don't always like and who have distinctly different opinions about the value of twenty-second abstract emotionalism to you isn't always easy, but that's a small price to pay.

This – here, now, what they're doing – is remarkable.

But it's not all tribbles and three dimensional chess and groundbreaking scientific discoveries. Exploration has a price. Today, one of the crew paid it.

James Kirk stands in Sickbay (he refuses to sit) as the doctor heals the abrasions on his hands and arms. He'd tried to refuse _that_, but McCoy had told him if his head went down that route he'd be declared unfit for duty in three seconds flat. It's the third death in a month; they've never had so many, so close together.

"I wish I could've…"

"Wish what? What could you have done? You did everything that should have been done, and he still died." Bones sighs. "Much as I hate to agree with the king of logic out there, he was right about one thing. You didn't understand Kobyashi Maru. You can spout as much rhetoric as you like about not believing in no win situations, but life _itself_ is a no win situation, Jim, and that's all there is to it."

Jim looks bitter. It's an expression that's almost at home on his face, and Bones thinks that's wrong. He worries about Jim's recklessness. It's not that it's necessarily a problem, but, as with all things, it carries a cost, one he's not sure everyone appreciates.

"I should have saved him."

Bones grins, but he thinks he probably looks bitter too. "You wanna know what I know, Jim? Because from years of being a doctor, I can tell you this: people die. And sometimes there's not a damn thing you can do about it."

"He was only 23," says Jim, and Bones can tell he's not listening. "Nice kid. Scotty said he had a real gift with the engines. And he and Robbins had that thing going. Apparently they did it pretty much every part of the ship except the bridge." He looks thoughtful. "Maybe there too."

"Jim…"

"He missed his turn for movie night."

Bones finishes what he's doing in silence. "All set, Captain," he says. Jim makes to move, but Bones reaches out, lays a hand on his shoulder.

"They're not soldiers," says Jim.

"No," says Bones. "They're explorers. We're all explorers."

Kirk leaves Sickbay, brushing past one of his crew, a tall, thin man clutching his arm. He hears Bones say, "Oh, what do you want _now_?" and can't help but grin, and it doesn't fade as two Science officers hurry past, talking in fast, excited voices about something Stellar Cartography has turned up.

Exploration has a price. Life has a price. And Kirk thinks it's worth it. He hopes so.


	11. Life Less Ordinary

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**XI – Life Less Ordinary**

**by Liss Webster**

1. The port nacelle can get a little sluggish, particularly during ion storms. Scotty's scoured it from top to bottom, had teams all over it, and still hasn't worked out why. Over the course of the mission, it becomes the status quo, but sleepless late nights still sometimes find him spreadeagled under a console, trying to solve the mystery.

2. Uhura really likes Kirk. Not _likes_ likes; just likes. He's a good captain, and a good man, and she respects him. Even _after_ that incident on Linus Prime.

3. The staff in Stellar Cartography like to bitch about finding popcorn everywhere after movie night, but secretly they quite like the cachet of being Enterprise's cinema. Miya encourages the bitching, though, because it gets everyone off the subject of Chekov's crush.

4. The steam pipe trunk distribution venue is a lie. It's an office, tucked well away, where four yeomen cram in together (as Kirk discovers on his epic journey from aft to stern). On closer enquiry, it's apparently an old, old joke. No one knows where the name comes from. It's just Starfleet tradition.

5. Spock gets freaked out by cooked eggs. Yeah. No-one saw that one coming. (And, yes, "freaked out" is relative, but after a few years, everyone gets used to interpreting slightly widened eyes.)

6. Kirk swore if another tribble set foot (or fur) on his ship again, he'd start some kind of ritual slaughter. Of the tribbles, or the crewman responsible, no-one's quite certain. They're pretty sure he's kidding. But not enough to risk it.

7. Everyone knows Hikaru Sulu is cool. It's an unquestioned fact of life on Enterprise. What they don't know is that sometimes, when it's late and he can't sleep, he re-lives his first attempt at piloting Enterprise. He's glad Kirk wasn't there, but really, really wishes he could say the same for Spock.

8. Lt Lewis spies on people using the security cameras. Everyone knows, and he says it's part of his job, which is sort of technically true, but still, when a group of crewmen get together for a drink and bitch, he's always the one voted most likely to be a serial killer.

9. Nurse Chapel has a thing for Spock, which everyone gracefully ignores.

10. Drinks from the replicators have an odd aftertaste. Lt Bridgerton, in Engineering, has made it her sworn mission to fix it. She never quite does, but by the time they return to Earth, she's one of the authorities on replicator technology.

11. Chekov knows he gets away with more than other people because of his age and his resemblance to a puppy, which sometimes annoys him but mostly is convenient. It gets less convenient and more annoying as the mission unfolds, and people are treating him like a kid when he's in his twenties and an experienced bridge officer. In some ways, although leaving Enterprise is like tearing a part out of his heart, he's relieved to be assigned to another ship, where he is no longer the youngest, or the cutest, and junior officers and crewmen listen, agog, to his stories of serving under Captain Kirk.

He just wishes the stupid rumours about him and Spock didn't have to come along with him.

12. Bones misses Earth. He misses his daughter, he misses the smell of blossom on the wind, he misses the crunch of gravel as he walks up to a house, he misses sitting on a porch with lemonade. But he is a doctor first and foremost, and his patients are on Enterprise, and he is surprised to find, one day, that this has become home. He thinks, maybe, unlikely as it seems, that on Earth he would find himself missing the smooth, bright walls of Enterprise, the slightly drunken evenings sitting in the mess after escaping yet another dire calamity, the cool quiet of Sickbay before disaster strikes, the prickly camaraderie between him and Spock, even. Not Winters, though. He'll be damned if he ever misses Winters.

13. The bunks in the crewmen's quarters are approximately four inches too narrow (there has been an informal poll) to allow comfortable sex. Coincidence or design? Everyone has their suspicions.

14. Kirk is pretty sure he's not supposed to allow an official bookie on his ship. So he totally doesn't know a thing about Sulu and Chekov and that thing they do. Though he thinks they owe him a cut, given how much money they seem to win over him.

15. So, there's rank and all that, but after a few years in space, your position on Enterprise is chiefly dictated by whom you play poker with.

16. Sometimes prank wars get so carried away that Spock has to step in. (Kirk knows better than to try; too many people on Enterprise were at the Academy with him for the hypocrisy to be anything less than overwhelming.) Mostly they carry on at a low level and everyone turns a blind eye.

17. They all love their jobs. They mostly all love most of their jobs. Hillier got assigned as the ship's hairdresser, which he could do without. Sulu hates warp core diagnostics that leave them put-putting along on thrusters for days on end. Winters loathes everything about being in space. Kirk despaired of all the paperwork until he discovered he could delegate most of it to Yeoman Rand and now she just hands him a padd, he scrawls his signature on it, and they're golden.

18. Jokes about Admiral Archer's beagle never get old, even when it turns up again.

19. Jokes about Chekov and Spock never get old, even though everyone knows Spock and Uhura are a couple and Chekov was probably just collecting data.

20. Jokes about Kirk and Linus Prime never get old (though are never told in the Captain's presence).

21. Most of the crew would die for Kirk, and for each other. Some of them do.

22. There is a scorch mark in one of the ancillary rooms off Engineering that is never satisfactorily explained to the decommissioning engineers at Utopia Planitia. Mostly because it's where the still blew up towards the end of their first year out.

23. Bones is working on a paper to outlaw swords on Starfleet vessels, only marginally hampered by the fact that it keeps mysteriously disappearing off the ship's server.

24. Kirk loves Enterprise, but would sacrifice her without a second thought for his crew.

25. They don't all like each other. There are squabbles and feuds and personality clashes, not to mention long drawn-out arguments over pie and whose shift is better in Communications and nebulae and whether Kirk really likes twenty-second century abstract emotionalism and logic and transdimensional beaming and allegedly stolen uniform and sweetcorn and Gaila and any number of things. But after five years, they're definitely – in a weird, 400-strong, dysfunctional kind of way – a family.


	12. The Last Full Measure of Devotion

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**XII – Last Full Measure of Devotion**

**by Liss Webster**

Jim had recognised the elder Spock's figure in the upper gallery during the ceremony, and had slipped away from the congratulations and carefully veiled warnings.

"Hey," he said.

"Jim," Spock replied in kind.

Jim scratched the back of his head, and looked off to one side. "So, you never said what happened to me. To him. Your Kirk."

"He died," said Spock simply, and Jim nodded.

"Yeah. Right. Of course." He shifted, clearly uncomfortable. "How?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Jim, our realities have now diverged considerably. There is no reason to suppose that your life will echo his."

"How'd I die, Spock?"

"Making a difference," said Spock. Jim nodded, as if it were the answer he was expecting. He turned away, hands braced against the gallery rail, and looked down at the admirals, the officers, the other cadets. He spoke without looking up.

"I thought… on Delta Vega, I wasn't what you were expecting. I wasn't the captain, I wasn't anyone, just a dumb kid, right?" He glanced up. "Four years ago I was sitting in Riverside town jail for being drunk and disorderly. I'm just saying… I'm not that guy."

Spock regarded him impassively. The faint remainders of Jim's fight to defeat Nero still lingered on his face, and the pride he had shown down in the auditorium had drained away. "No," he said. "And yet, here you are."

"I'm not ready for this."

"No-one is, at the beginning."

"I don't know how to captain a crew."

An unexpected smile broke over Spock's face, and he looked past Jim. "I do not think your crew would agree."

Jim followed his gaze to see Bones striding towards him.

"There you are!" the CMO exclaimed irritably. "I've been looking all over for you!" He eyed Spock suspiciously. "So, I guess you're the future Spock."

"As always, a pleasure, Doctor," said Spock smoothly, and deliberately did not smile at the aggrieved sound McCoy made.

"Yeah, well…"

"What is it, Bones?" interrupted Jim. Bones' expression turned martial.

"Jim, you've gotta get that damned Winters off your ship! If I have to spend five years sealed up in some space-faring tin-can with him, one or other of us is going to have some kind of meltdown, and I'm not liking my odds! Do you know, he's already tried to get me to inoculate him against Makusian flu, radiation poisoning and _smallpox_? The man's deranged! Oh, yeah," he added as an afterthought, jerking his thumb towards the auditorium, "Sulu and that kid Chekov were looking for you. Something to do with souping up the navigational array. I've no idea what they were jabbering on about."

Kirk glanced over the railing, and saw Sulu and Chekov looking up hopefully. He nodded at them, and Chekov gave him a thumbs up, before looking mortified, and hiding his hands behind his back. "Oh, and another thing," carried on Bones, still not finished, "Scott wants to talk to you about repositioning the dilithium crystals or something, but Archer's down in the hall, so he's hiding out in a maintenance closet. I think---" he paused as a commotion broke out below, "--- yep, he sent Gaila as a diversion."

Bones headed for the stairs, looking back blankly when he realised Jim wasn't following. "Well, c'mon," he said irritably, "we don't have all day, here! Archer's about as old as they get; Gaila's not gonna keep him occupied for long." He continued down the stairs, grumbling audibly about how he managed to get mixed up in this tomfoolery, and Jim grinned helplessly, and glanced at Spock, pointing after Bones.

"Guess I've got stuff to do," he said.

"Yes, you do, Captain," said Spock. He held up his hand, fingers splayed. "Life long and prosper, Jim."

"You too," said Jim.

"Now, Jim!" Bones' voice floated up, and Jim took the stairs two at a time as Spock watched him leave.

"I believe you will do very well," he said quietly, and resisted the urge to see just how Gaila had chosen to 'distract' Admiral Archer.


	13. Shore Leave

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**XIII – Shore Leave**

**by Liss Webster**

It's been a difficult couple of months on Enterprise. There've been crew deaths, near-calamitous alien encounters (the last one a planet where the population thought they were gangsters circa 1920, which was dumb any way you looked at it), and the ship mysteriously running low on the ingredients for pie. They're all on edge. They're all expecting the worse. And then an away team beams down to a new class M planet with Mr Spock in command, and they check in sounding cheerful.

Suspiciously cheerful.

oOo

"I mean, he's not usually that cheerful, right?" Jim asks Uhura, who raises an eyebrow.

"Captain," she says, in that _tone_, and he pulls a face.

"Yeah, yeah, fine, I didn't ask," he says, like he doesn't know that they've got a thing  
(like not _everyone_ knows they've got a thing), because the bridge isn't personal (and how, precisely, after a couple of years, is anyone supposed to pretend that the bridge isn't personal? That they don't all know pretty much every thing ever about each other?). "But come on, people. They sound _cheerful_." He sighs unhappily, and flicks the toggle of the comm on his chair. "Kirk to Sickbay."

"Sickbay here."

Jim cheers up a bit himself. Bones sounds like he's in a bad mood.

"I'm concerned about the away team," he says.

"I heard the check in," says Bones. "They sounded happy. What are you thinking? Alien mind games? Virtual reality?"

"Maybe some kind of spores," offered Jim. "I heard the Demeter had a thing with spores."

"Goddamn spores," says Bones sourly, and Jim nods. Goddamn spores indeed.

"I'm gonna send another team down," he says, and gestures to Sulu. "Pick your crew," he says. "Standard environmental suits."

"Aye, sir," says Sulu, in a voice that means, 'Gotcha; spores; I'll take a sword.' Jim likes that voice. It's a voice he can trust in lieu of going down himself, which he's trying to limit (apparently, for some reason, the brass hats in San Francisco had been a little concerned about the reports going back, and had made some stringent remarks about regulations and captains not leaving the ship to peer at any damn planet that takes their fancy. Or something).

So Sulu and his team go down. They check in. It's beautiful down there. Great weather. Oh hey, the indigenous culture has something that's basically ice cream. Spock chips in and suggests sending the crew down for shore leave.

"Definitely spores," says Bones.

"I'm going down," says Jim.

oOo

So, the not-quite-ice-cream apparently is actually delicious.

"Tastes like strawberries," says Chekov beatifically, and Jim would totally bust a gut laughing because the kid's got blue not-quite-ice-cream on the end of his nose, except he's too busy resisting the urge to take off the environmental suit hood thing (and who, precisely, designed these things and were they actually going for the total idiot look?). The sun is warm and there's a breeze and everything is bright and cheerful and the natives appear to be having some kind of festival that involves music and dancing and not-quite-ice-cream, but Jim has learnt to expect the worst.

"Test that," he says to Ensign Dawson, pointing to the cup in Chekov's hand. "It's probably hallucinogenic."

"Well, why would we be hallucinating too?" asks Dawson. Jim narrows his eyes. Looks like they've got to her as well. He stabs at his tricorder, and waves it over Chekov as Miya saunters up and takes a swipe at the navigation officer's nose. Then they're being all flirty and although Jim is (naturally) gratified that Chekov appears to have taken the Tale of Young Jim Kirk and Meredith McKenna In Sixth Grade to heart, he mostly fears it's further proof that the spores (or whatever) are wreaking their fearful havoc.

"Mr Sulu is currently engaged in an apparently popular native custom which involves throwing small projectiles at a local hard-shelled nut," says Spock, appearing at Jim's elbow. He's not smiling, but it's a not smiling that comes as close to smiling as Jim has seen in a while. "I believe he intends to win a prize." He looks thoughtful. "It occurs to me to wonder whether Lt Uhura would appreciate a fibre-stuffed leonine children's toy." He disappears again, and is replaced by Bones, who's carrying his environmental hood in one hand and a cup of not-quite-ice-cream in the other.

"You know," he says, "this isn't half bad." Jim sneers, but Bones is too busy sniffing the air. "Smells just like home," he says cheerfully. "Hey, did you know they've got some kinda coconut shy back there? Sulu just won a stuffed tribble."

"I thought you were still on the ship," says Jim.

Bones shrugs. "Well, everyone was saying how great it was, and Chekov mentioned there was pie. You know, we haven't had pie for forty-six days."

"Forty-five," corrects Jim automatically, but Bones just flaps an elbow.

"Whatever. It's a long time without pie." He looks at Jim properly. "Why the hell have you still got that ridiculous hood on? The air's fine."

"But the spores…" says Jim desperately.

Bones raises an eyebrow at him, which is always _hilarious_ when it happens to other people. "Don't be an idiot, Jim. There aren't any spores. We've done a full work-up of the atmosphere."

He wanders off towards the not-quite-coconut-shy.

Jim takes off his stupid environmental suit hood.

oOo

They spend four days in orbit around the not-quite-ice-cream planet. When Jim reluctantly makes the decision to move on, they're all a little pink, a little giddy, a little sick of not-quite-ice-cream, and a little blissed out.

"That was awesome," says Sulu, shifting from impulse power to warp speed.

"Definitely awesome," concurs Chekov, who was totally seen making out with Miya behind the tent with the fortune-telling bovine (Jim puts that one down to the Tale of Young Jim and Ella Johansson In Ninth Grade).

"It seems unfortunate that the inhabitants were not interested in joining the Federation," says Spock, and everyone nods.

They continue along their trajectory, and Jim leans back in his captain's chair, stretching out luxuriously. His nose is peeling, he's got so many grass stains on his uniform he's going to have to avoid Crewman Graves for the rest of the voyage, and there's a very real possibility he might actually vomit from the last-minute one-for-the-road-that-became-seven-for-the-road glut of not-quite-ice-cream, but he hasn't felt this good in a while.

"Space exploration rocks," he says.

oOo

Back on the planet, the not-quite-ice-cream and the music and the not-quite-coconut-shy and the fortune-telling bovine have disappeared. Long, ghostly, string-like bodies come together.

"We have done well," they say.

"They learned to enjoy," they say.

"So goes the Planet of Requirement," they say.


	14. Very Much Ado About Practically Nothing

**In Which the Enterprise is Like a Village**

**XIV – Very Much Ado About Practically Nothing**

**by Liss Webster**

There are many aspects of life on Enterprise the origins of which remain a mystery. Movie Night. Karaoke Night. The secret away team rota to make sure Spock's brain doesn't get stolen again. These things just seem to leap spontaneously into being and, looking back, no-one can quite say who started them.

Not the Enterprise Dramatic Society's production of _Much Ado About Nothing_, though. Oh no. McCoy knows he can put that one squarely on Lt Bridgerton.

"It'll give the crew the chance to blow off emotional steam," she says confidently, and it is one of McCoy's greatest regrets that he didn't, at that stage, point out that _he_ was what passed for the ship's counsellor (ha!) and she was its engineer; she could fix the engines, _he'd_ fix the crew. But he didn't point that out, and the Enterprise Dramatic Society was formed.

**~ Act One ~**

"It would just be difficult for the female crew member who had to play opposite you," Bridgerton lies.

"But I'd make an awesome Benedick," protests Jim.

"I'm sorry, Captain," says Bridgerton, and he scowls at her departing back.

"Why on God's green earth would you want to go prancing around in a pair of tights?" demands McCoy.

"She's going contemporary," says Jim. "Although I have great legs." He looks determined. "I need a plan. I heard that Chekov's trying to get himself and what's-her-name – Miya – cast." He considers this. "Which, admittedly, is totally my own fault. I shouldn't have told him about me and Suzy Duguid in seventh grade."

McCoy does a double take. "Wait, what's that about you and Suzy Duguid?"

Jim smiles reminiscently. "Oh, Suzy. She was the girl in the play, and I got to be the boy, and I kissed her. Good times." He huffs a little sigh, then looks serious again. "Yeah, Chekov's definitely got the same game plan. Damn! I should never have told him that—Hey, Bones! Bones! Where're you going?"

McCoy has disappeared down the corridor. Jim looks around. He's alone. Then he frowns: he has plans to be making. Also, the Enterprise is acting as escort to some Federation high-ups who seem prone to arguments, there's been suspicious activity along the Romulan neutral zone, two security officers are in the brig after an unfortunate affair involving Cardassian ale, a vintage banjo, four stolen uniforms and Crewman Winters, Cook has run out of coffee and all currently known coffee substitutes (a disaster for any spacefaring vessel), he's technically acting as arbitratror for the two developed planets (known to Starfleet as Niridians II and III respectively) in the solar system they are currently inhabiting (developed, that is, just enough to want to wipe each other out), and Spock and Uhura have had a row (or Uhura rowed and Spock watched her impassively) which is affecting morale on the bridge. Jim Kirk is a busy man.

But Chekov needs dealing with.

**~ Act Two ~**

"So, she kissed me," says Chekov, pretending (unsuccessfully) to plot a navigational matrix, "and she was de-win-itely flirting on the ice cream planet, but now she has backed off."

"Uh-huh," says Sulu, pretending (successfully) that he's paying attention and not, as he actually is, skimming personal server updates.

"So I am thinking," continues Chekov, abandoning the Romulan neutral zone altogether, "that being in Bridgerton's play is a good idea, yes? The keptin gave me the idea." Sulu's blushing a little, but it's an automatic reaction whenever Bridgerton's name is mentioned, and Chekov pays no attention. "Because," he says, leaning forward to perch his chin on his hand and gaze dreamily into the middle distance, "Miya likes acting, and she will audition, and then perhaps we will be Romeo and Juliet." He sighs happily, envisaging a future of torrid meetings in a darkened rehearsal room where he and Miya must practise, over and over, declaring their undying love for each other until they reach a fever pitch of passion.

This is ignoring the fact that Kirk has already signed off on Bridgerton using the (very well-lit) observation deck, and also that the Enterprise Dramatic Society's inaugural performance will be of _Much Ado About Nothing_, but these inconsistencies do not bother Chekov. He's just reached a point where he and Miya are tumbling backwards into a pile of velvet Renaissance costumes, when the mess door swooshes open, and McCoy storms in.

"Why in the blue blazes has my damned comm stopped working?" he demands of no-one in particular. "Are we living in the middle ages?"

Sulu points at a comm. McCoy sits down, and everyone eavesdrops unashamedly as he links up to his daughter and starts quizzing her on the play she's in at school and the boys involved.

"Dad, I'm playing a nun," says Joanna McCoy. "And it's five am. GO AWAY."

"But boys…" starts McCoy. Joanna cuts off the connection. Everyone pretends to be doing something else.

Chekov wonders how much kissing there is in Shakespeare.

**~ Act Three ~**

Jim Kirk has his left leg propped against seat. As the door from the turbolift opens and Bridgerton appears, he strikes an attitude, looks at her as if he's surprised to see her (which, since he asked her to come to the bridge, doesn't fool anyone), and says, "What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?"

Rand, standing next to him, ubiquitous padd in hand, rolls her eyes. So too do Uhura, Dawson, Henderson and Chekov. Sulu is too busy not looking at Bridgerton and surreptitiously checking the personal server updates again to do anything. Bridgerton raises an eyebrow.

"You asked for the manifold reports, sir."

Jim puts his leg back where it belongs, and takes the padd, says, "Right! Thanks!", looks at it blindly for a second, then passes it to Rand.

"They're the manifold reports," he says.

"Yeah," says Rand. "I'd gathered."

He slides into the captain's chair. "So, Lieutenant," he says jovially, "how's the play coming along?"

"Fine, thank you, sir," says Bridgerton. "I just posted the cast list on the ship's server."

"Excellent," says Jim. "Excellent. Well, that's all, Lieutenant. Dismissed."

"Aye, sir," says Bridgerton, and heads back to the turbolift. She doesn't look at Sulu. Sulu doesn't look at her.

"Mr Spock," says Jim, "any signs of any imminent danger? Any asteroids? Unidentifiable objects? Hostile vessels? Inexplicable power traces?"

Spock raises an eyebrow. "There are not, Captain."

Jim taps the controls on his arm rest, and the server file structure appears on the viewscreen, quickly resolving into Bridgerton's cast list. The bridge is represented by Chekov as Claudio ("And Miya will be my Hero," he sighs rapturously). Jim's name is noticeably absent.

"Sickbay to Kirk," squawks the comm suddenly. "Jim, you there?"

"Yeah," says Jim dolorously.

"Well, come down. I need you tell me everything about you and Suzy whatshername. And I mean _everything_."

"Sure," says Jim. He flicks the toggle off. "My life is so tragic," he says, then glares suspiciously at the padds in Rand's hand. "And if you tell me to shut up and sign those, you're going in the brig."

Rand looks at him. He looks at her. He signs the padds.

**~ Act Four ~**

"I could assign him to the gamma shift," says Jim.

"Nope," says Rand.

"Accidentally drop him off on that planet that turns people into geometric solids?"

"Nope."

"There's bound to be somewhere with spores."

"No spores, Captain."

"Everyone loves spores."

"Captain, you're not getting in the play."

"It's discrimination," grumbles Jim.

"Oh, who the hell cares?" demands McCoy, looking up from the communiqué he's been composing to the boys of Jefferson Middle School's sixth grade. "You're a goddamn lousy actor, Jim! Remember that time you tried to con Admiral Barnett into thinking you were from one of the Century colonies? Or that time on Linus Prime when…"

"We don't talk about Linus Prime," Jim and Rand reply in unison. McCoy flaps a hand.

"Whatever. This play is a crappy idea. Didya hear Henderson and Chitnavis are at it again? Who thought casting them as Beatrice and Benedick was a good idea? Damn fool decision."

Jim nods wisely, as if his casting choices would have been far more sensible.

"Fernandez has developed an artistic temperament," McCoy continues.

"That's true," agrees Rand. "He rearranged the mess hall. Feng shui. It looks good. And I think it did need more autumnal colours."

"And," finishes McCoy triumphantly, "all actors are sex fiends!" He returns to the crafting of his communiqué.

"That reminds me," says Rand, "Chekov thinks they should put it on for brass hats. He thought you might talk to Bridgerton about it."

"That woman is dead to me," says Jim.

Rand nods. "OK. But will you talk to her about it?"

"Sure."

**~ Act Five ~**

The day of the performance arrives quickly. Claudio is in the middle of lambasting Hero for betraying him (which would have been more realistic if Chekov wasn't still giving Miya puppy-dog eyes) when the lights go out. There's a murmur of disquiet, which grows even stronger as the ship is suddenly rocked by an impact to the aft shields and a line of panels against the viewing wall is blown loose. Jim makes a beeline for the comm and shouts for the bridge, demanding a report.

"Niridian II has launched an attack," says Spock unemotionally. "Scans indicate that Niridian III is planning to do likewise. Going to red alert."

"I'm on my way," says Jim, and he lurches towards the doorway, Sulu, Chekov and the rest of the crew hot on his heels. It doesn't take long to subdue the Niridians, who've only just branched out into intragalactic battle, and Jim finds himself fitting more arbitration meetings into his schedule.

"Shouldn't someone else be arbitrating between us and them?" he asks, but apparently no-one takes this question seriously.

"It's too bad," says Uhura. "I bet Bridgerton's mad they ruined her play."

"She's pretty pissed off," says Sulu, then tries to look far too busy flying Enterprise to be checking personal server updates.

"I think the play was cursed," says Jim.

"That statement is illogical," says Spock.

"Ah, Spock," says Jim wistfully, "there are more things on Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Spock raises an eyebrow, which is universally and correctly interpreted as, "Whatever."

The bridge is silent for a few moments as they maintain their orbit. Spock checks sensor readings. Uhura monitors Niridian communications. Chekov thinks about kissing Miya and resetting the photon torpedoes, which gets confused to the point of kissing torpedoes. Sulu nobly refrains from server-stalking Bridgerton and takes the thrusters through their paces.

Jim says, "Hey, I wonder what play Bridgerton will choose next?"


	15. Raise More Hell and Fewer Dahlias

**In Which the Enterprise is Like a Village**

**XV – Raise More Hell and Fewer Dahlias**

**by Liss Webster**

"And then," Jim finishes triumphantly, "the Prefect gave me that statue and said I was an honorary member of his family!"

They look at the statue. It's ugly. Bones takes a swig of Scotch.

"Great story, Jim," he says.

Jim smiles happily. "Yeah. Man, I loved that planet."

"It was an informative experience," says Spock, standing up. "If you will excuse me, Captain, I will return to my quarters."

Jim waggles his eyebrows. (He figures he and Spock have been crewmates – friends – long enough now that he can get away with some eyebrow waggling.) "You and Uhura got plans?" he asks.

Spock raises an eyebrow (doesn't waggle it; Jim thinks his first officer might be missing a trick there). "Lt Uhura is socialising with friends this evening. _Female_ friends. I have an early shift tomorrow."

Jim frowns. "You ever wonder," he says, "what women talk about when it's just them?"

oOo

"Us," says Sulu, knocking back his drink. "Totally us."

"Is right," agrees Chekov, pointing a finger at Sulu. "Boys. Boys and sex. I know this," he says, lowering his voice confidentially. "I have sisters."

Lewis looks unconvinced. "I don't know, guys. It can't just be about men. I mean, they're just people. They must talk about regular stuff."

Both Sulu and Chekov are shaking their heads. "No way," says Sulu. "It's us."

oOo

"Hikaru Sulu is an asshole," says Bridgerton, flinging herself into one of the seats in the mess.

"Whatever," says Dawson. "Did you hear the news from Earth?"

"About Annalisa Lipkin running? Uh-huh. How awesome is that? I love her."

"She's great," agrees Dawson. "Did you hear her speech, about, y'know, integration and trying to balance the Federation and Starfleet?"

"What, Lipkin's?" asks Uhura, coming up behind them. At Dawson's nod, she appropriates a chair for herself. "I thought it was great. Starfleet is so Human-dominated it's ridiculous. And she's standing against Melody Hammond."

"Anyone who can get that woman out of the Senate is fine by me," says Bridgerton. "Did you _hear_ that speech she gave last year about colonists' rights?" She sighs. "When I heard that, I just wished it could be me and her and a locked room and this sword." She pats her fencing foil and smiles wistfully. Uhura and Dawson grin.

"As well you didn't get that chance," points out Uhura. "She's not exactly known for being kind to her enemies."

Bridgerton grins sharply. "Oh, neither am I, Lieutenant. Neither am I."

oOo

"Well," concedes Sulu, "maybe just about sex, sometimes. I mean, everyone talks about sex, right?"

"I've never actually found that to be true," says Lewis, who doesn't really talk about sex much at all.

oOo

"It was disgusting," says Gaila. "Actually disgusting. I mean, it stuck out, like, to _there_, and it was covered in all these… sort of _pustules_. Gross."

Her companions look at her. "Ew," says Henderson eventually.

"So, what did you do?" demands Bridgerton.

Gaila rolls her eyes like they're all stupid. "Well, what do you think? I mean, I had to touch it. It's not like I had a choice."

"Jesus," says Henderson, "the things we have to do for that guy."

They all nod. They've all been there. "Anyway," continues Gaila, "turns out that their whole power plant was, like, organically powered…"

"Pretty cool," interrupts Bridgerton.

"…and all those weird viney things had gotten tangled, so Scotty and I re-routed them – sorta – and got it working again."

"So, how'd the organic thing work?" asks Bridgerton, and Gaila slides her chair over to a screen, and starts sketching a diagram, while the other two lean over her shoulder.

oOo

"De-win-itely sex," says Chekov, nodding happily, pouring another drink. "In fact, I bet you _a-ny-zing_ you like my girlfriend is talking about sex right now."

"Dude," says Sulu.

"Jeez," says Lewis, and sighs a little.

oOo

"He's cute."

"He's a psychopath."

"He's a cute psychopath."

"He's a cute psychopath who kills – or, OK, it seems like he kills, but it's kinda hard to tell – about twenty people in a _day_."

"At least you agree he's cute."

Miya shakes her head at her fellow ensign. "Seriously, Amy, he's not that cute."

Amy Travis just shrugs. "Whatever. _I_ think he's gorgeous. Way better than the rest of that film."

"I'm not sure it can even be called a film," says Miya thoughtfully. "Surely they invented that whole genre just to torture people. Was there anyone who _wasn't_ wearing beige?"

"I think a couple of people were in cream," says Travis. "I mean, what was the big idea behind that whole thing anyway?"

"I dunno," says Miya. "I think I read somewhere that some director felt that there was too much, y'know, action and distraction in films, and it took away from what he thought was the most important part, which was just the relationships between people. So he thought he'd make a film where it was just the people and the emotion, and none of the other stuff. And 'other stuff' included, y'know, a script and words and costumes and, um, plot. And thus was born the abstract emotionalism movement."

They're silent for a moment. The Captain's film choice still looms large in their minds: four hours of their lives they will never get back. Finally, Travis speaks.

"Someone should have killed that director. We should totally build a time machine and do it ourselves."

"We should totally get on that," agrees Miya.

oOo

"Come on," says Lewis. "I don't buy it. I mean, sure, I guess they talk about sex and stuff, but no more than we do." He glances at his companions. They're both quite drunk. "Probably less than you, actually."

"Oh, I totally know," says Sulu unexpectedly. "It's just… they're _women_, you know. They're _different_. They always seem to get us, and we never get them."

"What's going on with you and Bridgerton?" asks Chekov, attempting to straighten up slightly.

Sulu sighs, and pokes at his drink. "Nothing. I mean, I sorta avoided her for a while, because, y'know, awkward, and now I'm pretty sure she's not interested."

"You," announces Chekov, pointing again, "are an idiot."

Sulu nods sadly. "Yeah." He puts his glass down. "C'mon. We should hit the rack."

oOo

"I hate her," says Christine Chapel, glaring at Uhura's retreating back as it disappears out of the mess.

"Chris," says Rand, nudging her shoulder, "seriously, don't go there."

Chapel flops back in her seat. "I just—he's—" She breaks off, and Rand looks away.

"Hey," Rand says after a minute or two, "budget memo time soon. McCoy ready?"

Chapel chuckles. "Oh my God, are you kidding me? What is it with people and that stupid memo? I swear he spends half the year preparing a list of what he wants and the other half bitching when he doesn't get it."

Rand grins. "I love memo time. Hey, remember that time Security locked Winters in a cupboard for about a week?"

"Yeah." Chapel sighs, and stands up. "Look, Jan, I appreciate it, but I think I'm just gonna go to bed, OK?" She laughs, a little wryly. "Unrequited love kinda takes it out of you."

"Right," says Rand, and watches as the nurse walks away. "Right."

oOo

"Hey," says Jim, "I've always wondered. What do women talk about among themselves?"

Rand looks up, startled. "Um, the same things as men, I guess."

Jim nods. "Sex, right?"

She stares for a moment, then nods slowly. "Yes, Captain. Hot, sweaty, steamy, kinky sex. All the time. _A-a-a-all_ the time."

Now he's staring. "Um. Really?"

"No," says Rand, rolling her eyes and shoving a padd at him. "Not really. Sign this."

"You're a hard woman, Yeoman," says Jim, and scribbles his signature.

"And you couldn't live without me," returns Rand, moving to the desk to collect her files. Jim watches her.

"Yeah," he says, "I know. Women, huh?"

She turns and snatches back the padd. "Men, huh?"

They're standing face to face, and there's a moment's lull.

"Right," says Jim.

"Right," says Rand.

"I'm gonna…"

"You should…"

She leaves, and Jim watches the door swoosh closed. "Jesus," he says. "Why can't we all be hermaphrodites?"


	16. Why Didn't They Ask Lewis?

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**XVI – Why Didn't They Ask Lewis?**

**by Liss Webster**

Starfleet Academy has a very rigorous process of psychological testing, which means it's highly unlikely that any serving personnel have serial killer tendencies. Still, get a group together on Enterprise, and they will voice their suspicions about Lt Lewis.

"He's definitely stalking me on the vids," says Crewman Hollis (Operations).

"You just _wish_ he was stalking you," replies Crewman Xiang (Engineering).

"He's still creepy," says Crewman Graves (Operations).

"He's just doing his job," says Crewman Paris (Security).

Technically, Crewman Paris is right, and since he's a bit of a leader amongst the crewmen on F deck (and, to quote Crewman Xiang, totally hot), they go along with him. Still. Lt Lewis creeps people out. The problem is twofold. Firstly, he has an innate talent for taking in a lot of input without consciously registering it and then being able to use that input, which makes him ideally suited for watching hours and hours of boring security vids and remembering the one thing which is relevant. The security chief takes advantage of this and mostly has Lewis surveying the vids of the ship. Secondly, he's a bit socially awkward, and doesn't play well with others. Together, on the tin can of Enterprise, these facts lead to the inevitable conclusion that, if anyone were to snap and start a stalking and killing spree, odds are it would be Lewis.

Lewis knows this. He's also pretty sure he's not about to snap, which makes the whole thing a little annoying. It's not, after all, _his_ fault that Chief Nashvili gets him doing this job; a job which makes him a little uncomfortable, knowing what he does about the crew, when they think no-one's watching.

He knows, for example, that Chekov wears non-regulation underwear. Not because there are security cameras in people's quarters (there aren't), but because sometimes Chekov and Miya don't wait to get all the way in a room before they start stripping each other. Risky, perhaps, even when the corridors seem empty, but hey, Lewis thinks, Chekov might be some kind of genius, but underneath it he's just a teenage boy with a hot girl friend.

He also knows that Lts Sulu and Bridgerton were fencing in one of the rec rooms a couple of weeks back and ended up making out, and now (from what he can tell) are actively avoiding each other. He's pretty sure that's not going to last.

He knows that Ensign Dawson sings and dances down the corridor when she thinks no-one's watching. It always makes him smile.

He knows Crewman Winters is the bane of McCoy's life (who doesn't?), but he also knows that McCoy is the closest thing Winters has to a friend, which is all kinds of messed up.

He knows that Crewman Xiang has a habit of loitering outside Crewman Paris's door in the hopes of 'accidentally' stumbling across him.

He knows that however long Sulu and Chekov spend poring over the padds relating to their book-keeping enterprise, it's not as long as they spend working out navigational plots and engine capacities and impulse factors.

He knows that Kirk might seem all laid back about running the ship, but Yeoman Rand presents herself at his quarters every morning with a stack of padds and they spend a good couple of hours going over them before Kirk's shift officially starts.

He knows that for Spock and Uhura, a touch of the fingers in the turbolift is as expressive as a shouted declaration of love.

Lt Lewis knows a lot of things. But he doesn't share, because that would be unethical. And he doesn't bet, because that would be cheating. And he tries not to remember what he knows, because this stuff isn't for him, but it doesn't always work, and he thinks he might be a slightly bit in love with Lucy Dawson. He just does his job, and keeps quiet.

oOo

This state of affairs lasts for a while, until the day Lewis leaves his room to find Sulu and Chekov waiting for him.

"Hello," says Chekov.

"Hey!" says Sulu.

"Hi," says Lewis warily.

"So," continues Sulu, "we hear you know things."

"_Secret_ things," clarifies Chekov. Lewis wonders if he's found out about the underwear footage.

"Anything I see in the course of my duties is confidential," he says stiffly.

Sulu grins, and flings an arm around his shoulder. "Course it does," he says cheerfully. "We don't want you to tell us anything you'd feel uncomfortable about."

Lewis looks from one to the other. "I wasn't planning on telling you anything," he says.

This time Chekov grins, and flings an arm round Lewis's other shoulder. "We were looking for more of a… how do you say? Wibe."

"We like vibes," agrees Sulu. Together they steer Lewis down the corridor.

"I'm really not able to tell you anything," Lewis says, feeling slightly panicked now. "Really. I can't."

This time, Sulu's grin softens a little. "Dude, seriously. Don't worry. We're just gonna grab some lunch and trash talk the engineers."

"It's fun," says Chekov. "They go red."

Lewis's voice is getting ever more high-pitched. "And if this is working out how likely I am to be a serial killer…"

Sulu flaps a hand. "You're so down the list you don't even count," he says.

"And Winters has a cold, so we think Dr McCoy might be about to snap," adds Chekov thoughtfully.

"Well," says Lewis, "I guess lunch couldn't hurt." He looks from Chekov to Sulu. "It looked like they were making meat loaf."

"I love meat loaf," says Chekov.

"Everyone loves meat loaf," says Sulu expansively, and the three of them head towards the mess.


	17. We Can Lick Gravity

**In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village**

**XVII – We Can Lick Gravity (But the Paperwork Is Overwhelming)**

**by Liss Webster**

"Why do they call it paperwork?" asks Jim, lazing back in his chair as Janice Rand shuffles padds, sitting primly at the desk. She looks up at him, very much, Jim thinks indignantly, as if he was an idiot child.

"Because they used to do it all on paper," she says slowly. Right.

"Right," says Jim. He rubs the back of his head sheepishly, and leans forward. "Paper. That makes sense." He pokes a finger at the stack of padds now in front of him. "So. What've we got today?"

oOo

"What's a T32-0?" asks Jim suddenly, and Janice looks up from the mission reports she's been editing (the Captain has a dramatic flair for story-telling. Starfleet Command doesn't like dramatic flair).

"A what?"

Jim wiggles the padd. "It's Bones' casualty report for the past month. See? Three T1-04s – that was me and Spock and Paris getting roughed up on Linaeus IV…"

"I like how you say that like you didn't look as if you'd gone ten rounds with a prize boxer and Commander Spock had about four hairs out of place."

Jim glares at her. "Respect, Yeoman!"

She rolls her eyes at him, and grabs the padd. "T1-04s, a T22-01…"

"Chekov spraining his ankle that time he fell down a Jeffries tube," supplies Jim helpfully (and a little smugly because, dude, he has this paperwork thing down pat now, and also because he's never fallen down a Je- OK, there was that one time, but nobody's mentioned it since so it totally didn't happen).

"…a bunch of T4-04s…"

"Alien virus."

"And the T32-0. Huh." She's pulling a face, and Jim points a finger at her triumphantly.

"Ha! See! You don't know what it is either!" He teeters back on his seat so he can reach the communicator on the wall behind him. "Kirk to Sickbay."

"Sickbay here. What do you want, Jim? I'm busy." McCoy's voice is as irascible as ever, and as usual the sound of it makes Jim grin.

"Just thought I'd pester you. What the hell's a T32-0?"

"Oh," says Bones. "That." It sounds like he's grinning, and Jim narrows his eyes suspiciously. "That's just a little something I added to the official list. Apparently, no other starship in the Fleet needs it. Guess we're all just special."

"Bones…"

"T32-0. Self-inflicted sword wound. McCoy out."

Jim looks down at the mostly-healed scar disappearing up his uniform sleeve, then up at Rand, who seems like she's mostly just trying not to laugh.

"Right," he says, and snatches back the padd to scrawl his signature at the bottom. "That's fine, then."

oOo

"So," says Rand, "that's pretty much it from Security. Except…" she tails off, and Jim looks up expectantly.

"What?"

"Yeah. They were hoping you'd have a word with Ensign Chekov."

Jim frowns, confused. "What? Why?" He looks suddenly wary. "Hey, this isn't The Talk again, is it? Because I've done that. Well," he reconsiders, "actually, I didn't have to. Which was a relief. New rule, Yeoman. No cadet should be posted to active duty if there's any suspicion that they don't already know the facts of life."

"It's not the Talk," says Rand. "No, wait. Kind of is."

"Well, Chekov knows all about that," says Jim. "_All_ about that, if you know what I mean." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Rand looks at him impassively. He winces. "Wait, was that sexual harassment?" he asks.

"No," says Rand. "It was just really disturbing. And apparently, Chekov knowing '_all_ about that' is kind of the problem. Security say he's been caught a couple of times with his pants down. And they're, uh, pretty much talking literally there. They were hoping you'd have a word, remind him that keeping clothed in the corridors is probably a plan. You know. That sort of thing." She smiles brightly.

"Yeah," says Jim, "that sort of thing. That'll be a fun conversation."

"A captain's life is full of sacrifice," says Rand.

"I hate you," says Jim.

oOo

"I protest I love thee," says Jim.

"She's not going to cast you, Captain," says Rand.

"I'd make an awesome Benedick."

Rand shrugs. "She's still not going to cast you."

Jim looks sulky. "Being captain sucks. Have I mentioned that before?"

"Many, many times. Now, you need to sign off Lt Bridgerton's requests to use the observation deck for rehearsals."

"It _sucketh_, Yeoman."

"Whatever," says Rand. "Sign the damned form."

oOo

"Captain?" says Rand quietly. She's standing in the doorway, outlined by the light from the corridor. "I have the files you wanted. And there's…" she pauses for a second, which is long enough for Jim to look up and see that she's been crying, "there's a list. On top."

She comes in, a little hesitantly in the dark, and lays a couple of padds on the desk, then stands, hands clasped tightly together. Jim makes a noise that might have been thanks or dismissal or both, but still she stays.

"Did- did you want me stay?" she asks. "Or get you anything. Or…"

"Next of kin's all there?" asks Jim, and his voice sounds strange. Rand nods. "That's all. I'll do this myself." She nods again, and turns to leave, but stops when he catches hold of her hand. "Thanks, Rand." He squeezes; she squeezes back, and smiles slightly in the dim light.

"It's what I'm here for, Captain," she says.

oOo

"…reports, Communication reports, Security reports, and then it's just the Engineering reports to go." Rand finishes reeling off the list of data they're sending to Starfleet HQ, and Jim casts a cursory glance over the list of files.

"OK, that's… wait a second." He stabs at the screen and opens the Engineering files. "Warp tests, warp tests, relay decay, power consumption, for the attention of Admiral Ar…" He breaks off, sighs, and reaches for the communicator. "Kirk to Commander Scott."

"Aye, Captain?"

"Scotty, want to explain to me why we're sending a communiqué to Admiral Archer that accuses him of," he consults the screen again, "faking the entire first Enterprise mission?"

"Ah," says Scotty. "About that."

oOo

"I am really sorry about this," says Jim. Again.

Rand sits cross-legged, her back against a stone wall. "Well, this is all part of the Starfleet experience," she says philosophically. "I mean, Commander Spock and everyone will be trying to get us out, right?"

Jim nods. "Sure." He eyes the heavy iron bars of their prison. "Although, I'm pretty sure I can get us out of this myself." He rams his shoulder against the bars, and tries to hold back a whimper.

"Right," says Rand.

"Spock'll be here any minute now," says Jim, slumping down to sit next to her. "I _am_ sorry I asked you to come. It's just, y'know, we'd got all behind with the paperwork thing, and there hasn't been time for you to come by with all your," he waves a vague hand, "stuff."

"Aw, Captain," says Rand with a grin, "didja miss me?"

"Yes," says Jim, and the moment is surprisingly honest so that they're both taken aback.

"I- um- well, we've still got work to do," says Rand after a moment, producing a padd from the bag she'd been carrying across her shoulder and which, apparently, had not been viewed as a threat by their captors. "Leave rotas."

"I hate leave rotas," says Jim.

"Cry me a river," says Rand, and brings up the list on the screen. "Now, Commander Spock and Lt Uhura have requested separate leave dates, but that's clearly because they're trying to be subtle, so…"

oOo

"Oh, and the budget memo came this morning," adds Rand as she heads to the door.

Jim grins. "I love budget time," he says. "So. A private bet, Yeoman? Who's outside my door?"

Rand grins back. "Five credits says Sulu," she says promptly, and Jim shakes his head sadly.

"Yeoman, Yeoman, Yeoman," he says. "I thought you knew the crew schedule by now. Sulu is on duty for another two hours." He taps his chin for a moment. "Gaila. Scotty always sends Gaila."

The door swooshes open. Sulu stands up straighter, face bright with enthusiasm.

"Changed his shift first thing," says Rand, holding out her hand. "I win."

oOo

"I do not know how I'd run this ship without you," says Jim.

"I don't either," says Rand, gathering together the work they've been doing. He helps, and their hands brush. He pulls away. (Sometimes, if it's late, maybe, and she's feeling a little punchy, Rand thinks that his expression was tortured.)

"I'm the captain," says Jim, and Rand smiles.

"I know," she says, and she does; they both do. He hands back the padd he was holding.

"Carry on, Yeoman."


End file.
